Chapter Two: Boldly Going, But With Who? (and He's On First)
Captain's Log, Stardate 6969.69. Captain "Buck" Kirk reporting. We've just departed Star Base and are proceeding at warp five on our mission to the Vulva. This was originally supposed to be a shakedown cruise to wear in a mostly new crew, but they are about to be tried and tested on their first mission; I've always enjoyed breaking in a Virgin crew!
I've asked Spock to meet with me to go over the names of the new crew members and their experience levels and assignments. I think that I hear him now.
The door of the conference room opened and the tall, thin Vulcan entered the room. He nodded to his Captain and sat down in the chair next to him. "You should enjoy this, Buck, you always liked training new officers and crewmen," said Spock.
"You should know that I've always had a soft spot in my heart for welcoming aboard the new virgins....er virgin crew members....er crew members on their maidenhead voyage...make that just maiden voyage," answered the Captain.
"We might as well get right down to business, Spockapeno. Tell me about the new people on my ship."
"Did you just call me Spockapeno?"
"Yes, I've decided that those pointed ears of yours look like Jalapeno peppers," said Kirk. "Anyway, tell me about our new crewmen.
"The Enterprise has it's first shapeshifter on board. His favorite thing is to change into Klingon form and scare people. His name is Morse, but likes to be called Morph."
"With a name like Morse, is he a code breaker or a linguist?"
"No. He works in biological product management, storage, and decontamination. I believe that the crew's names for that position are shit shoveler, poop passer, and Captain Crap. I'd also suggest that you try to stay downwind and at least twelve feet away."
"But the only wind on this ship comes from Scotty after he eats his Haggis!"
"We also have a second Vulcan on board for this trip."
"Is it a female that will get your green blood pumping?
"No, he is the new ship's historian and his name is V'chon. I understand from his records that he has a history of mental illness and has been known to dress as an Asian woman and insist that people call him a Bootylicious Asia Babe."
"You also have a new Yoeman named Ensign Bitters. Having read her duty history, it seems logical that, after two or three Altarian Brandies, her top is coming off and those puppies are coming out...as you would say. I have also learned that she wears a thong panty."
"Did you learn this by mind meld?"
"No, I copped a feel in a crowded turbolift."
Kirk smiled as images of one on one sessions with his new Yoeman ran through his mind.
"Captain," continued Spock, " we also have a new Chaplain aboard. He is versed in most Earth and Federation religions and can counsel crew members of several species. His name is Jesus Allah Vishnu Ra Skippy Budda. We've given him three officers' staterooms."
"As his quarters, his office, and a counseling room?"
"No," answered Spock. "We've taken down the bulkheads between them and made it one large room because he's rather obese."
The Captain was intrigued and asked, "how Obese?"
"Think shuttlecraft sized, sir."
"His first patient may be a man who I beamed up with this morning. This Irishman kept insisting that he was the other son of God and that we were transporting him to his rightful throne in heaven. He calls himself Father Fergus, and he might even be able to drink Scotty under the table. Rumor is he's set up a still on every ship he's ever been on."
"Our records do not show that he is any type of ordained minister and show that he is actually the product of incest, not of a virgin birth by immaculate conception. His parents were named Cal Jennings and his sister and he was conceived in a barn, not born in manger."
"Our new ship's Librarian is also an odd one, sir. His name is Skoob and I believe that he is also a sexual deviant and frequent masturbator. In the transporter room, he wanted to show people his manual cunt."
"I think I've heard of this one. When he was aboard the Farragut, wasn't he trying to be a bookseller with the ship's library? I think a crewmember named Kensington ended up ratting him out."
"Same one, Captain. I suggest that we keep a close eye on Ensign Skoob."
"Is there anyone new in security that we can assign to that detail?"
"There is a man named Jaggedone. They say that he is schooled in the use of many weapons, but prefers knifes. His second weapon of choice are long, run on sentences that use little grammar and no punctuation that drive his opponents mad with frustration."
"We also have a new bartender in the ship's lounge. His name is In Seine. We think that he is."
"Then why is he aboard my ship?"
"Because Admiral Lowton likes his toasted sandwiches."
"We also have a new Veterinarian on board. Star Fleet felt that he would have more experience treating multiple species than Dr. McCoy. His name is Dr. Maxwell Whitehead."
"Two other new crewmembers are in Ship's Services. Their names are Norma Snockers and Jenny Bigtits. I've scheduled for you to inspect Ship's Services this evening to meet these women."
"Good Job, Spock. Put yourself in for another commendation."
"Dr. McCoy also has another new Doctor in Sickbay. This one is also named Bones, but you can call him Phil."
"We also have another new alien from a species that just joined the Federation. He is one of the famous Wood Monkeys of Hull. You can recognize him because he walks around carrying a spherical object and occasionally kicks it through open doors. As far as I can tell, the only word he speaks are goal and football."
"If he's that stupid, then what is his job onboard this vessel?"
"He's our new intelligence officer."
"I heard that we have a new ship's morale officer. Who is that one?"
"His name is Victor Nicholas. I've heard, however, that his idea of building morale and teamwork is to have the crew stare at old black and white pictures of 18th century physicians and contemplate nirvana and their belly buttons."
"I've heard we've also got a new recreation department head."
"Yes, his name is Henman and he is from Nigeria. It is my understanding that he has successfully outrun lions and elephants and hyenas and will be able to assist the crew in the same."
"Make sure that Jenny Bigtits, Norma Snockers, and Yoeman Bitters don't take any of his classes. I don't want them able to run too fast."
"We've also got a new crewmember who is very short, has a funny voice, and says that he likes eating bugs and says that he's from a place called Casablanca. His name is Adam "Renfield" Click."
"One person coming aboard who is not part of the crew is a man named Reuters. I understand that he is covering our mission for a news service on Earth. He says to just call him Roy for short."
"Fair enough...anyone else?"
"There are a few other crewman, sir, but I'm sure that we can cover their biographies when it becomes necessary."
"There is, however, a warning from Starfleet on one of these crewmen."
"A member of the crew may secretly be the former Admiral named Helium, who has also gone by the name MyHat2U and Morgan Truce. He is wanted for crimes against humanity. We believe that one or more of the new crewmembers might be him in disguise."
"Which of the old crew are still on my ship?" asked Kirk.
Spock answered by saying "We've got McCoy and Nurse Chapel in sickbay, Scotty in Engineering, Sulu, Chekov, and Riley on the bridge, and Yeoman Rand in your quarters."
"We've also still got King David, Carina Eta, Tiki and Bruno Murphy, J.D. Balderdash, Flash Nitrate, Mohit, Moose, Squirrel, Jean LeFeet, and the rest of the crazies."
As Kirk and Spock were concluding their conference of going over the new crew, Lt. Uhura interrupted them. "Captain," she said, "I've got a priority one message from Starfleet. Shall I put it through to the conference room?"
Kirk answered in the affrimative and soon he and Spock were listening to Admiral Lowton.
The Admiral sat with a stern look on his face, his prosthetic mustache filled with crumbs of the toasted sandwich on the plate in front of him.
"Men, I've got some interesting news. It seems that our long range sensors have detected a ship that is matching your course and speed, but is riding in your blind spot."
"It is a Romulan warbird. The ship is the Liberalator and is captained by B'rackam, their most two faced and unqualified Captain. His first officer is B'Den, the Romulan who claims to have written War and Peace, the entire works of Shakespeare, the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, and every other important work."
"We believe that they are actually being led by a weasel of a Romulan named Cabeza De Cables. This sneaky, underhanded individual will stop at nothing to destroy the freedoms and civil liberties of free beings throughout the Galaxy."
"The crew of the Liberalator is made up of Pelosians, Billarians, Demoncats, Hairy Rads, and Du-caacaas. These people are so mean and vile that they would fart in airlocks."
"Also, some of our theoretical astronomers theorize that you may experience strange phenomenon in the wormhole. It covers the past, present, and future, so you may meet ships from other times or dimensions."
"Use caution around them and protect the integrity of the Federation and Star Fleet."
Kirk and Spock exchanged a glance as the Admiral signed off.
"Spock," said Kirk, "Did I ever tell you the story of how Lowton got that prosthetic mustache?"
As Buck Kirk begin to relate the tale involving facial hair, a honeymoon in Vegas (involving Scientologists, Aliens, Ships, a jealous brother, and 37 weasels), they were interrupted by the sound of the ship's klaxon and the voice of Sulu from the bridge.
"Captain, we've got a Klingon Bird of Prey off the starboard bow. They say that we are on the same mission and they wish to conference with you about it. They have, however, armed all weapons."
The two men jumped to their feet, left the room, and ran to the nearest turbolift.
As they left, they did not notice a small, green alien emerge from behind a cabinet. "They think they've stopped me! Lowton thinks he's banned me! I ruled this Universe once, and I can do it again, even if I am two foot tall, green, and pay a more than passing resemblence to Yoda. I am Helium, and this Noble Gas is Back!"