Written by matwil
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Tuesday, 12 May 2009

image for More Q&A : For Gerry Adams M.P. 'Open another bottle of Chateau Hippocryte d'Irelande, Martin'

Why are you a British MP?

Because of the free flats, free phones, free flights, and don't mention Free Derry, please

Why is an avowed enemy of the United Kingdom accepting over £800,000 of its money, and living in a flat in the United Kingdom?

Because the repressed people of Ireland need someone in England to represent their needs. Even though I never set foot in Parliament to represent their needs

Are the House of Commons free wines as good as people say they are?

Ask Martin, he's our freedom-fighting, bottle-opening deputy chief-of staff

What are you doing living in London, if you never attend the House?

I'm representing my Belfast constituents, by not representing them

Why does nobody in Ireland except you want a United Ireland?

We have lots of dumb Americans to send us money if we keep going on about it

Don't Americans know that there can never be a United Ireland, any more than there can ever be peace between Arabs and Jews?

You're talking about people that believe in a 'roadmap to peace' in Israel, i.e. after 2,000 years of fighting the USA waves its magic wand, and it all ends. They're the same idiots that believe in a United Ireland

What about 'Give Ireland back to the Irish'?

Everyone in Ireland is either Irish or of Irish descent, Ireland already belongs to the Irish

The Provisional IRA is an illegal organisation in the Republic of Ireland. Why is that, if you're Ireland's saviours?

Because we're drugs dealers, bank robbers, kneecappers and murderers. I got so sick of my own people hating me, I went to stay in a nice Georgian flat in London. For free

Some people are saying that the Provisional IRA are just a bunch of cheap extortionists, cowards that can't fight like men but use terrorism to get where you are today. Is this true?

If that was true I would be in Belgravia today, sipping wine paid for by the British government, while watching the news about the latest UK government expenses claims scandal. Which I am

What would Michael Collins and Eamonn de Valera say about you living like an English lord, and accepting money and flats from the British government?

They'd have me shot as a traitor. Even though I'm not. That's why I live in England half the time, and ever since the 1970s, when I was flown to London for secret peace talks with the Brits, I've been living like an English lord and accepting money and flats from the British government

When will you be taking your seat in the House of Lords as Lord Adams of Toutbridge?

As soon as I can get a better flat and expenses allowance. How am I supposed to survive on £800,000 a year in London?

If the British are so evil and repressive, why do so many Irish people prefer to live in Britain than in Ireland?

Well, they might meet me and my pals in Ireland, at least the British don't car bomb their own people

Is the Republican movement now a joke?

As long as I lead it, yes

How much do you want for this interview?

£800,000, used English notes

When are you retiring?

Rarely

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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