Written by Mark Garrison
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Saturday, 9 May 2009

image for Open Letter to President Cleveland Asking Him to Reconsider the Digital TV Transition

Dear President Cleveland,

I type you this letter from my humble home, and using the same typewriter that my mother used to type her request that my little brother not join the fight against those dirty Nazi's.

Oh how we seem to have forgotten the simple things in life, like typewriters, percolator coffee makers, beaver fur coats, and analog television. Tis the latter that brings this letter to your doorstep Mr. President.

I have been a loyal television viewer since the early days when I had to place my hard earned wooden nickel inside of that little box to watch the latest episode of Mary Kay and Johnny. I am absolutely heartbroken that the United States Colonies are forcing citizens to get digital boxes in order to watch our favorite shows. I don't know what digital means, but to me it means sadness.

Mr. President, I am a retiree who is living on a fixed income, and this fixed income aint fixin to give me enough money to buy one of those robots. So I kindly ask you to reconsider this change so that I can continue enjoying my tube. Even if I bought one of those conversions, I would probably break at least two bones trying to install it.

As you probably know, most people in my age bracket are not ready for this life altering change. Just yesterday, my friend Mary dropped a toaster in her bathtub and killed herself. We found a note next to her that read, "R.I.P. Jack Benny."

I understand that things change, and I was fully prepared for the switch to the phonograph record, and I still enjoy them to this day. But this is different. You are asking every American to purchase and install some kind of computer. Do you realize that I had to call tech support just to work my microwave oven? Unless these contraptions come with a smart, attractive young man that looks like Bing Crosby to turn the station when I need him to, you can just forget about me ever being able to watch television again.

So I politely ask you Mr. President, no, I strongly beg you, please don't take this black and white light emitting angel away from me. This solid oak box of glory is all I have left after those damn dirty Nazi's took my little brother away from me.

Yours Truly,

Judith Edensworth

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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