Written by matwil
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Friday, 8 May 2009

image for New Robin Hood film opens The manager of McCrappywood Movies Inc

Now that Americans own the British film industry, their latest version of 'Robin Hood' opened today with a slightly different perspective from previous movies about the legendary outlaw, and here is a clip from the new version:

[Scene:suburb of Nottingham]
[In England]
[Go to France, then turn left]

Robin Hood (played by Hugh Grant): 'What ho, Marian, more bloomin' bills again! I've had enough of the iniquitous, unjust Normans, it's, um, well, time, you know, time for us to stand up and be counted!'

Marian (Emma Thompson), pouring more tea: 'Oh, dahling! What jolly fun we'll have if we cock a snookiepoopie at the Normans! Won't it be a frightful wheeze? Get the car out, and we'll skip our Buckingham Palace elocution lessons for the day and go and become ... outlaws!'

Robin: 'Yes, but look, old girl, I mean, but, well ... I mean, shouldn't we be going to Nottingham Forest and talking to the Sheriff about things? One doesn't want to be a cad and a bounder, even if the lecky's shot through the roof!'

Marian: 'No need, dahling, the Sheriff's coming up the garden path right now!', and indeed it was the Sheriff of Nottingham, Sir Brian de Clough.

Sir Brian: 'Now then, young lady', he said, walking into the house without knocking on the door, and catching Robin a swift clip round the earhole, 'what's this about not paying your bills? You'll do no such bloody thing, Miss Smarty Pants, or it's over me knee and a damn good spanking for thee!'

Robin: 'Look -'

Sir Brian: 'Belt up, you insipid git! It's either pay up, love', he says to Marian, 'or you'll both face a fate worse than death!'

Marian: 'You don't mean ...'

Sir Brian: 'Yes! Spending the rest of your careers appearing in nauseating, twee, suburban drivel made for Americans, who think the world of Hollywood really exists, and who think England is full of effete twerps like Hugh.'

But at that point what in the garden that had so far looked like a garden gnome sudden moved, and it turned out to be one of Robin's Merry Men, Little John.

Little John (Russell Crowe): 'Now look, mate', he said to the Sheriff, at a safe distance from the house, 'if you don't leave Robin's bungalow right now I'll be forced to have a fake punch-up with a hired extra, to get myself into ye papers!'

Sir Brian: 'Naff off. Now you two, cough up the readies or I'm sending Sir Roy Keane here to rearrange your house. And your faces. Oh, I see yours already has been rearranged, Little John', and the Sheriff quickly left with all the couple's ducats, to pay for the electricity bill.

Robin: 'Well, that's torn it! Looks like the film's over, and not even an appearance by a famous has-been to make it all end in the most ludicrous and ridiculous, er, ridiculous way possible. Sigh ...'

Marian: 'No, wait, dahling, there's someone else coming up the path, it's ... it's ... it can't be ...'

King Richard (Sean Connery), for it is he: 'Yesh, bravehearts and coronets, verily it is me, ya ken. Richard the Emigrant, coming over from Spain for the day to get a free dinner, just to appear for two seconds in this crap. Off you go tae the kitchen and rustle up some scran, Marian, while me and Robin try out Robin's selection of malts.'

[Camera fades to Ye Olde McDonalds in Nottingham, where Will Scarlett O'Hara and Red Fred Adair are sitting, eating their Longbowburgers and French fried potatoes while the soundtrack plays Madonna]

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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