Written by Sirge
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Tags: Lost

Friday, 1 May 2009

image for LOST: The Lost Episode Not the LOST Island

Scene: green, lush jungle, with huge weird rocks dotted about that look a bit like faces. A chap with three-day stubble is bent over another chap who's stretched out in the mud. He's improvising a tracheotomy by piercing the prone dude's neck with a fountain pen

Jack: My father's pen. It'll have to do. Kate! Swabs, I need swabs!
Kate: But Jack ...
Jack: NOW Kate!

Kate runs through the jungle, a thin film of perspiration developing on her interesting cleavage, her wide and kissable lips slightly parted so as to gain more air. She emerges on the beach at a small makeshift shack comprised of tarps and Oceanic wing fragments

Kate: Sawyer, you're going to give me your swabs
Sawyer: (smiling naughtily) Hey, sweetcheeks, how about you take that fine little ass of yours and sit on my face?
Kate: (looking like she wants to) You're disgusting!
Sawyer: (handing over swabs) Aw, hell, I guess you win.

Kate runs back through jungle, and suddenly smashes into a huge immoveable object. It's Hurley.

Hurley: Dude!
Kate: These swabs are for Jack
Hurley: Oh shit, there's four of them! 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 46. What's for lunch?

Kate continues running. She arrives back at the caves. Blood is squirting high into the air from the prone guy's neck. A bald man stands nearby.

Jack: John! Do something!
Lock: It's destiny, Jack. The island is taking him. They need him.
Kate: Goddamnit Lock!
Lock: (smiling creepily) Calm down. My mother always told me to calm down, when I kissed her.
Jack: I'm losing him! I'm losing him! (Bending over the prone guy's face.) I WONT LET YOU DIE!

The camera focuses in close on Jack's stubble. A silly little guy with a funny beard, who looks like he's chewing a marble, appears. He snuffles.

Charlie: I've decided I'm going to cut a new LP with ChainSaw's unfinished tunes. It'll be big with the Others. Fuck me, what's going on here?
Lock: Charlie?
Charlie: Yes?
Lock: Is there something you need to tell me?
Charlie: Ummm, I dunno. Is there?
Lock: You tell me
Charlie: Perhaps (looks puzzled)
Lock: Can you see my legs?
Charlie: Yeh! Christ! No! Where are they?
Lock: The island took them. They're in the Hatch. Would you get them for me please?
Charlie: OK John. Right now. But after I've shagged Claire, OK?
Lock: She needs a good shag, Charlie.

Now the blood is everywhere. A loud banging can be heard. Trees rustle. Everybody looks like they are defecating. The sounds get louder and closer. A huge hamster appears out of the undergrowth, its nose twitching and sniffing. A Korean woman, slender, beautiful, a small bottom, but extremely tasty overall, runs towards it, clutching a bunch of herbs.

Sun: Back! Back! Back!
Hamster: Yes, Mistress! And now I will reveal the secret of the island.

The hamster crosses its legs, and everyone gathers around it in a circle, while it describes what the fuck is going on.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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