The UK Government's Regional Health Authorities have began sending out leaflets to householders throughout the UK relating to the impending Swine Flu Pandemic.
The leaflets give comprehensive information regarding the Swine Flu.
Below are just some of the recommendations given in the leaflet. DONT PANIC!!!
(1) If you feel a tad under the weather it is with ABSOLUTE CERTAINTY that you have contracted Swine Flu Disease (herafter referred to as: 'The Lurgy'). No ifs' buts' or maybes' you most certainly have it my friend so you might as well face up to it.
(2) STAY INDOORS!!! Cover your head in a pillowcase (ideally one that you can see through) and tie the neck area with a tight elastic band or a sturdy chain or rope.
(3) Lock the rest of your family and anyone else living with you in a secure, sealed room, dial 999 and and say these words precisely: 'LURGY IN SITU, NEED A FUMIGATION TEAM FORTHWITH, TO' (and then relay your adress to he or she).
It's as simple as that.
(4) Wash your hands, then, if you have any bleach handy, douse your entire body in the chemical. This will sting a bit but it will help to obliterate the Lurgy Germ which by this time your body will probably be completely engulfed in.
Wash your hands again. Then once more.
(5) Find a pen and paper, and if you haven't already done so write out a will. Wash your hands.
(6) Turn on your TV and watch.. wash your hands, and listen for any updates from WHO. Wash your hands, then three times more just for good measure.
(7) Make yourself a cup of tea, wash your hands and sit down. By golly you deserve the rest!
This has been a Public Health Warning Notice on behalf of the UK Government's Health Authorities. Do not throw this leaflet away as it also double as a very handy face mask.
Wash your hands.