Look out swine flu, there's a new paranoia sweeping the nation. Pineapples are now the most feared fruit on earth, surpassed only by the pomegranite, and are causing panic worldwide.
Pineapples are normally docile creatures, but can have large outbursts of outrage, jabbing anyone nearby with their sharp spikes. They sometimes branch off and form clumps of wild pineapples, which should not be approached at any cost. Heed our advice: if something smashes your window open in the middle of the night, you better hope it's not a pineapple.
There is little protection from the powers of the pineapple, but its sour taste can be avoided by closing one's mouth and denying its entry. Pineapples will not move unless touched, and so it is best to stay as far away from them as possible.
Yakov Smirnoff had this to say: "In Soviet Russia, pineapple eats you!" He was misinformed, however, as there have been reports in Australia of giant pineapples that have people inside them.
There is also a large following to this fruit after its bad press, numorous pineapple followings have begun, such as the cultivaters, the gourmet chefs and the interior decorators. The US army has also looked into the pineapple's defensive mechanisms, and has invented a powerful weapon: the "Mineapple". Some cities have named themselves after pineapples as well, in an attempt to appease their wrath. More famous examples include "Barcelapple", "Pineapplis", and the ever popular "Pineapple London".
Will the pineapple reign never end? Scientists think so, but they have yet to invent a way to combat their powers. They are currently exploring the effects of sugar on their sour taste. Until a cure is found, however, lock your doors, bar your windows, because the next pineapple you see, might be your last!