Written by Asiabill
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Saturday, 25 April 2009

Dear Mr. Platini,

In response to your latest tirade against racism in football, it has to be pointed out that your conclusions are erroneous and false.

In your days as a player you were a great footballer. However your place in the stadium was consistently on the pitch where you could hear the chants. However you were not privy to the thoughts and discussions that helped create them. Upon retirement you took your place in the poncy private boxes of the stadia where you could, as Roy Keane would say, munch away on prawn sandwiches to your heart's content. Again, you can hear the chants but you have no idea how they are thought up or crafted.

Without any reasoning for the chants at your disposal, you have mindlessly assumed racism to be the cause and have engaged on a witch hunt of historic proportions. People like you, desperate for a cause, will leave no stone unturned as you delve the depths of depravity searching for signs of evil. And when you don't find any, you get creative; a little like George Bush's weapons of mass destruction in Iraq.

We should be eternally grateful that you are not involved in policy making for child rearing. I can just imagine the enormous roundup of racist babies that you would embark upon. For your information, the pram riding baby bawling 'Baah, waah, baah' is actually alerting his mother to the fact that he would like to wrap his lips around the nourishing sustenance of her left tit. He is NOT attempting to enunciate a chant of 'Black wanker bastard.'

If you had attempted to investigate the background of your supposed racist chants, you would have discovered the following facts: 'Nigger' is an abbreviation of 'Nigerian Warrior.' Obviously, Nigerian players should take great pride in this adulation but I can understand the offence taken by Cameroonian and Ivorian players, for example. However, before you start to round them up on charges of racism, please be aware of the enormity of your task. Think of the thousands of noses that have been creatively rearranged by endless thousands of Scots, Welsh, Irish ( north and south), Canadians, Australians, New Zealanders, Americans and a few Falkland Islanders upon being incorrectly identified as English.

A chat with your doctor would also stand you in good stead. Medical practitioners, the world over, know the value of a balanced diet. Bananas are rich in potassium which has an integral role in providing the body with strength and power. If you are going to accuse supporters of racism because they want to help and assist the players they idolize in achieving an invigorating healthy diet, then I wonder what charges you are guilty of.

Finally, if you were to look into the animal kingdom in reference to agility and dexterity, you would find that the monkey has no peers. When a fast, nimble player produces some legerdemain tricks with the ball, the worship from his adoring public must, by necessity, make reference to monkeys. Oh, if only some English players were worthy of similar comparisons… Then they might actually win a World Cup without the complicity of a Germany hating Russian linesman.

Please, Mr. Platini, work hard to improve European football but when true followers of the game roar their appreciation for the great players who come from all over the world to demonstrate their prowess under European eyes, do not accuse them of nasty, shady practices like racism.

Yours Indignantly

Asiabill

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