Written by KendoMonkey
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Sunday, 22 June 2003

How old are you? Are you young? Are you reasonably trendy? Can you play some sort of instrument? Do you know people similarly....afflicted?

Fine. Then everything's set up for you. All you have to do now is find a song writer.


But, but....I'm a song writer!

You are?! Well that's just dandy. Looks like you're ready for the big time. But here's a list of other things you'll need.


  • Talent. We don't mean that you have the ability to play "Don't look back in anger", we mean talent. Preferably raw.
  • Ideas. You are not Coldplay. You are not Stereophonics. You must be yourselves and play like you are nobody but yourselves. Sounds stupid? Sure, it does...copycat.
  • Talent. No, really, the word "turd" does not belong in a song. If you're using that word stop all work at once and go home.
  • Time. Yeah, way to go clueless.
  • Venues. The local pub is a good way to go, if they do a night for local yokels. Get some bottle by maybe going to a local 'acoustic' night where they let anyone play.
  • Nerves. It's not easy to get up and play music in front of people - don't assume that it is.
  • Talent. Are you sure you're not crap?
  • Instruments. You need decent instruments.
  • Transportation. Mummy and daddy will get pissed off with dragging you and your smelly friends to pubs, especially with all the instruments in tow.


How we doing? We still reading? Well, here goes the last few parts.

The likelihood is that you're a cock. No, seriously. Most likely you're a terrible, terrible person and an awful musician. If you write the lyrics, the odds are that they're appalling. Now, do you really want everyone who is unfortunate enough to go to see you to know this? Do you want everybody who isn't your friend to be watching you with a look of pure distaste and probably anger? Keep thinking.

Still here? Disagree with me? Good. Then at least you can take the hassle. Go on, form your group, write your songs and perform your best.

But you'll still be a cock.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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