Released under the Freedom of Disinformation Act, here is the transcript of President Obama's recent phone call to one of his Secret Service advisors:
'Hey, Ted, I gotta problem.'
'Hello, Mr. President, how can I help?'
'I'm in serious shit, man. Less than a hundred days in office and people are already starting to laugh at me, saying I'm all talk and no action. What am I gonna do?'
'Firstly, follow the George W. Bush formula, sir.'
'Get out of America, and go to Europe for lots of visits to countries there.'
'Well, sir, it's not for Europeans, they just think Americans and especially American Presidents are irrelevant in the 21st. century. Though they don't mind taking your cash. No, sir, go to Europe for the American voters, makes them think the USA is seen as important in the rest of the world - load of crap, of course, but American voters will believe anything on TV, I'm surprised Popeye hasn't been President yet, or John-Boy Walton.'
'Er, OK, then what?'
'Then go for the stuff that elderly ladies, little girls, the mentally challenged, and men who listen to Barbra Streisand CDs like. Yep, get a puppy/pony/kitten/baby thresher shark, and arrange lots of photocalls so they can all go 'awwwwww', though the other 90% of the population will be reaching for their sick buckets.'
'And this George formula will work?'
'Sure it will, sir, the chances of you looking like a fool with no substance or policies will be lessened greatly by being in Liechtenstein for a week, and adopting a baby sabre-toothed tiger.'
'OK. But what about my not having any policies, and never saying anything that means anything?'
'The European and pet animal stuff will help to deflect attention away from your disastrous start in office for a while,sir, but sooner or later people will indeed be saying: 'Why the silence on Israel, and yet why still funding Israel? Why keeping troops in Iraq, after saying you were opposed to troops in Iraq?'
'Why choosing Hillary as Secretary of State, when you not only despise her but she has no talent at anything at all, except for pulling weird faces and making up stories about herself, like a child?' That's when Plan B comes into action, sir.'
'What the - I mean, what is Plan B?'
'It has two parts, sir. To start with you need to spend hours every day waving and smiling at people, like the Queen does, but of course you've been doing that for hours every day for months, so no problem there. Looks matter in American politics, as nothing much else does - you don't catch Russian or Chinese leaders waving and smiling all day, they have real power in the world, unlike you, but keep that going.'
'Then - and this is essential - you need to create a trivial military crisis, one that doesn't matter much but which the American soldiers involved are bound to lose, well they always do. Like Grenada. And then you can become the 'figurehead' holding the nation together in difficult times, lots of propaganda about 'the troops and their families', reassuring daily Presidential bulletins from the White House, your already excellent JFK impersonation with that Gary Cooper add-on, etc.'
'Will it work?'
'For a while it will, your ratings will zoom up and people will forget you never do anything except spout catchphrases. After that, you're finished.'
'So Plan B is your only chance, else you might as well pack your bags now, you've had your ten minutes of fame.'
'If you think I employ you to -'
'You don't employ me, sir, the United States employs me. And I'm afraid the US constitution rules America, not you.'
'Well, dagnabbit -'
'Americans don't say 'dagnabbit', sir.'
'Look, there must be something I can do to be popular again.'
'Well, there is another Plan.'
'D, sir. C was repossessed by the Bank of Chicagomafia.'
'Plan D is what we call the 'First Lady Baloney Plan'. This is when you pay the press to feature a completely uninteresting woman - a President's wife - over and over, on and on, til people get hypnotised by all the news stories about her and forget you even exist. Worked with Kennedy, til we had to blow his brains out for hanging around the real American first lady.'
'Hmm, well I don't much like the sound of any of your ideas, Tedmbobo. Got any better ones?'
'Quit now while you're ahead.'