Written by witness2history
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Friday, 17 April 2009

image for Britain's Got Charles Itandje

(Football Agent) Sky Andrews : "Hello Is that Piers Morgan?, It's Sky here, Calling from Liverpool, I'll get straight to the point, As a Goalkeeper he's fucking useless, and his behaviour at the Memorial has rightly been slammed, the way things are shaping up his Anfield Career is over.

"But 'Every Cloud' and all that, it turns out the boy can Dance!, anyway I was thinking, can you get him on Britain's Got Talent?

"Surely if you could make that Bodypopping Kid from Warrington a Millionaire, Charles Itandje can make double that.

"He auditioned for the show last year but he wasn't asked back. You know Simon Cowell, can you get him in?".

Piers Morgan : "You want me to sit in a room with The Great God of Popular Culture, and ask him, in the middle of the Series, to put an idiot, who disrespected the thousands of Families affected by Hillsborough, on Live Television with and perform in front of Her Majesty the Queen?
Are you out of your tiny fucking mind?"

Muffled Voice : "I'll do it, what is it?".

Sky Andrews : "There'll be a nice cut in it, Good Money!"

Piers Morgan :" How much?"

Sky Andrews : "Minimum Five Hundred Thousand"

Piers Morgan : "Five Hundred Thousand eh? Dollars or Sterling?"

Muffled Voice : "Five Hundred Thousand?, Dollars, Sterling, Euros, Roubles 'Don't give a fuck I'll do it, what is it?".

Piers Morgan : "Sammy, can please be quiet, I am on the phone to a good friend of mine from the English Premier League, sorry about that Sky, I'm really bust right now, apart from "Talent" I have another show interviewing every Alcoholic Slag in Britain, I'm afraid I'll have to pass"

Sky Andrews : "Who is that in the background?"

Piers Morgan : "Oh that's just Samuel L Jackson"

Sky Andrews : "Will he do it?"

Piers Morgan : "For $500,000 he'd fuck his own Grandma, ever since those Motherfucking Snakes On A Plane he hasn't worked much, he just hangs around here all the fucking time".

THE NEXT DAY ON SET

Simon Cowell : "Look I'm sorry but we're really busy counting our Money from last Saturday's show…".

Ant or Possibly Dec : "Haddaway Mon!"

Samuel L Jackson : "What country you from!"

Ant or Possibly Dec : "¿I Am A Geordie? "

Samuel L Jackson : "¿Yammajordi? " ain't no country I know! Do they speak English in "¿Yammajordi? "

Ant or Possibly Dec : "¿I Am A Geordie? "

Samuel L Jackson : "English-motherfucker-can-you-speak-it?"

Ant or Possibly Dec : "¿I Am A Geordie? "

Samuel L Jackson : "Say "¿Yammajordi? " again! C'mon, say "¿Yammajordi? "
again! I dare ya, I double dare ya Motherfucker, say "¿Yammajordi? " one more goddamn time!"

Amanda Holden : "I am the real Star and I'm Bloody Brilliant!, How can I help you"

Samuel L Jackson : "Now describe to me what Charles Itandje looks like!"

Amanda Holden : "Well he's... he's... black" -

Samuel L Jackson : - "Go on!"

Amanda Holden : "...and he's... he's... bald" -

Samuel L Jackson : - "does he look like a bitch?!"

Amanda Holden : "Pardon?

Samuel L Jackson : "Does-he-look-like-a-bitch?!"

Amanada Holden : "No!"

Samuel L Jackson : "Then why did you try to fuck 'im like a bitch?!"

Amanda Holden : "We Didn't!"

Samuel L Jackson : "Yes ya did. Ya tried ta fuck 'im. Well Charles Itandje doesn't like to get fucked by anyone, except Mrs. Itandje!".

Amanda Holden : "I don't know what to say…."

Samuel L Jackson : "Oh! I'm Sorry, did I break your concentration?", "First your Producers don't put him through to the Live Shows, but does he give up? No! My man Charles understands a photo opp when he sees one, and now millions have watched him throwing some shapes on Youtube, and it's a big story, lot's of air time, I mean he's all over the News, the Papers and the Internet!", "And then what? You Still Don't Call Him Up, Not Even For The Shitty ITV2 Show!"

Stephen Mulhern : "Well we've always got a bit of padding needed for my show!".

Samuel L Jackson : "Well now. Look at the big brain on Stephen!"," Nobody watches ITV Fuckin 2!"

Kelly Brook : "They would if they'd given me the job!"

Samuel L Jackson : "I don't remember asking you a Godamm thing!"
" I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brother. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you."

Ant Or Possibly Dec : "Fuck It, This is Preposterous, Just give him whatever he desires!"

Amanda Holden : "Oh speak Fucking English NOW do we?"

Simon Cowell : "Get Itandje on that stage, Let him win, anything, just let me out of here!".

Samuel L Jackson : "That's more like it, anyone else wanna pull that ¿Yammajordi? Shit?"

No.

Good.

Now someone get me a Royal with Cheese,

Fucking metric system!"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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