Written by Jaggedone
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Tags: Music

Tuesday, 14 April 2009

Killing Joke Frontman Jaz Coleman ordered the global music press for a press conference last week. The music press turned up with high expectancies regarding the release of yet another masterpiece and tour dates from the 5 x reincarnated band. They survived punk, new age, Joy Division, industrial metal, the Millenium (not the Robby crap Williams version by the way!) and now the worlds underground/alternative music scene await with baited breath for the announcement re the latest epical journey of the one and only Killing Joke.

As we all know Jaz has a certain affinity with the occult alongside other great rock stars, ex and very dead Beatle John "I.m bigger than Jesus" Lennon, ex doors very dead frontman Jim "still alive, recently sighted in the clochard region under a bridge somewhere in Paris, begging for forgiveness" Morrison, the one and only "Prince of Darkness" our very own Brummie Beelzebub otherwise known as OZZIE and wife Satan Bitch Sharon. Ex and very dead (or is he still with us?) Led Zeppelin lead guitarist Jimmy Page, reincarnated for the Led Zeppelin reunion sell out, and that other greatest occult rockstar ever to grace the hierarchy of the demonic rock scene, Alisteir Crowley (rock star?) well he lived the rockstar life, attended those very satanic parties and shagged everything with two up till four legs, and was often known to duet with Jimmy Page doing a demonic rendition of "Stairway to fucking Hell."

Anyway back to our press conference and Jaz, the mighty music press gathered in awe of this mesmerising, made up with black rings around his very red eyes frontman of the immortal Killing Joke.

Jaz begun, "I am here to announce the apocalyptic, ultimate destruction of mankind. I have been ordered by my satanic rulers to utilise the Devils pentagram, calculate esoterical mathematical equations and formulas for divulging to the human race the exact date of total and irreversible destruction."

Jaz continued amongst smirks and light coughing from the gob - smacked reporters. "The date of this apocalyptical happening is the 6th minute of the 6th day of the 6th month (get the drift 666!) in the year 2009 = 2+0+0+9 = 18 divided by 3 = 666." The reporters by now, falling off of their chairs in mild amusement and sympathy for Jaz decided to ask Jaz the real burning question, the much awaited release dates of the new Killing Joke epic and the following tour.

Jaz, calmly, answered "we expect our new masterpiece to be mastered and released by 01-03-2010 and the tour dates will follow!!!!"

At that moment 2 gentlemen rushed forward dressed in black Panama Hats, black suits, white dog collars, bearing silver bullets, wooden stakes, a Hannibal Lector mask and last not least, the Bible. After restraining the slightly agitated, aroused Jaz with barbed wire and oversized hancuffs, they promptly removed Jaz on a sack carrier and whilst exiting the conference room he started singing a brand new Killing Joke cover version of Wacko Jacko's Thriller, behind the mask masked, he turned once more to the reporters, his round red eyes had now turned into a goat - eyed flaming shade of orangy/yellow.

Nevermind Jaz we will always love you and your Killing Jokes!

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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