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Monday, 13 April 2009

5:00 Television for schools and colleges: Math's Minuet

5:01 History File - Being a puppeteer's assistant in medieval France

6:00 Science in Action - The magic of sodium

6:30 Tony Bobbins: the learning aid - (6/8) Tony ponders the future of cheese wire

7:00 World of Wicker - available in HD

7:30 Morning Magnets - This week a working time machine is tested in the studio, how will it function after the magnets are removed?

8:00 Stink-Shnapple (W)

8:30 Finger Analysis (live)

9:00 Paul Ross, I Deny You! - (15/20) early morning fun. This week the public refuse presenter Paul the chance for him to cut their hair

10:00 And back to you! - A large number of location reporters repeatedly supply short, pointless features before handing back to the studio in an annoying waste of time and money.

11:00 Dermot O'Leary Investigates His Own Skull (R/W)

12:00 My Favorite Letter of the Greek Alphabet Is… (20/25) 'Omega…but god knows I couldn't tell you why!' blubbers a drunken Alan Davis in this hilarious follow up to 'My favorite 13th century bishop is…'

1:00 The Two Danes - (R/W) Crime Drama in which two unconventional Danish cops are made partners. In this weeks episode John tricks a crime lord into killing himself whilst John (2) takes precautions to stop crime lords flying hot air balloons into his face.

1:30 The Two Danes -(R/W) John hires a hot air balloon to see if he can spot any crime lords from the skies whilst John enters a line dancing competition in order to take down a crime lord who has insulted the Johns Danish roots (via a megaphone from a hot air balloon)

2:00 The Two Danes - (R/W) The Johns attempt to take down a hot air balloon that has been transporting drugs across the city for a crime lord, But their job is made harder when they find out that a crime lord has incapacitated the police departments 'crime balloon'.

2:30 Jamie Theakstons High Street Challenge - Jamie challenges the public to eat a dirty donut off the pavement whilst he firmly grips the back of their neck and pushes down.

3:00 Parsnip, Parsnip, Parsnip! (R/W)

3:30 5th Floor Please - Satirical children's drama about a ghostly elevator

4:00 St Stupid - Children's drama in which a group of rebellious six year olds run their own cathedral

5:00 Pie School - NEW SERIES - Mr. Heffer has some trouble with a disobedient 'steak and Ale' whilst Mrs. Kennedy suspects that some Pukas are bullying a particularly weak apple pie.

5:30 Pie School - an apple pie is insulted into a coma by particularly explicit language, Mrs. Kennedy suspects that the schools gang of Pukas is behind it. Mr. Heffer has more trouble with the 'steak and ale' after he finds some of the teachers beloved pet locusts hidden in his locker. Neil Morrissey stars (Followed by 'Pie School extra: the inside scoop')

6:00 Bread Wars (R/W)

6:30 My Family - Ben goes mad

7:00 Hold me up Fella's (R)

8:00 (FILM) Baby Pope (2005) PG - Hilarious Oscar winning romp in which a child becomes the pope (though an impossibly complicated technicality) and annoys everyone.

10:00 The Situation Room - Hypothetical news show

11:00 'Not For Sale!' - another bizarre visit to 'Mustards', the shop where nothing is for sale. This week 'Gran' swallows a pin.

12:00 Close Down


***

5:00 History Files - Nazi animals?

6:00 Menty-Tleny-Maarhazeu - (2/7)

6:30 The Power of Money - (S) Business studies educational show. This week, why square currency doesn't work (very well)

7:00 Bibble and Mandy - an 'intergalactic' edition

7:30 Closedown - (R)

8:00 "What The Hell Are You Doing Billy?" - (W/HD) Billy continues to outrage

9:00 Coin-Drain - More live morning, money based fun. This week the ever elusive 'Dad' falls straight onto his face (and goes quite red) making no attempt to stand again for the rest of the episode

10:00 When I Grow Up I Want To be… - Career advice for the under twelve's. This week: an adultery councilor

10:30 When I Grow Up I Want To be… - Special edition focusing on the benefits of becoming an explosives expert. Includes special interview with Tommy Jordan (a US solider responsible for ordering explosives from a catalogue)

11:00 Hornet in a Bag - have your hornet bag at the ready

11:32 The Empty Slot - would you like to fill this slot? Get in touch

12:00 Tony Bobbins - as controversial as he is spherical

12:30 Tony Bobbins - Tony learns some of the disadvantages of being a controversial ball when has his week revealed to a live audience by his only friend. 'Oh Mr. Tony, you are a spherical weirdo' says a sarcastic Tony to himself.

1:00 The Two Danes - (R/W) John investigates a hot air balloon theft and suspects one of the city's crime lords has something to do with it. Whilst John (2) has a run in with a crime lord who he has to arrest before he takes to the sky (in a hot air balloon).

1:00 The Ponderes - (W) This week: dose Garfield deserve death. And feedback on last weeks question, what's the slowest it is possible to drive?

2:00 The Boring Interview - (Repeated at midnight on St. Columbus day) this week Garth interviews Jamie Oliver and asks 'what is the longest its taken you to cook something?', 'what's the quickest its taken to cook something?', 'what's the largest thing you've cooked?' , ' what's the smallest thing you've ever cooked?'.

3:00 Jamie Theakstons High Street Challenge - Jamie challenges the public to find a piece of chalk (using their mouths) that's is hidden in a box of sand. As ever Jamie will be pushing down on the back of their necks.

3:25 Stress Box - Satirical, animated political drama aimed at children

4:00 Qwidz - (R/W)

4:30 (FILM) Tony Bobbins - The Film (1997) 18 - Structure and genre less romp with the controversial Tony Bobbins. Features classic scenes such as Tony personifying a dog toy "That dogs chewing my only friend!" and the infamous 'Wild Weekend' montage.

7:00 "I Am An Old Woman" - (R/W)

7:30 Teeth…Bah! - Chris Morris turns his unique brand of stinging satire to the world of dentistry.

8:00 Tlenty-finey-Maarhazu (R)

9:00 Cork and Bubbles - Cork gets arrested at the barbers

10:00 Barry Dunlop (9/70) Barry suspects there is a bomb hidden within the child at a christening where every world leader is invited.

11:00 All the dots and dashes! - (W) repeat of last weeks Morse-code Quiz

11:30 The Temple of Naracidzu-Manhandifarnuckle - A puddle proves to be a bigger challenge than first thought for the team.

12:00 Grandad! (S) Controversial late night fun

1:00 AM - Closedown

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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