President Barack Obama's book 'Barack Obama's Cabin:I Wrote This Not A Journalist, Honest Injun' has won the prestigious Coincidentally Awarding Prizes To Grovel To Visiting Presidents award, in someone's garden shed in Clapham. And here is an excerpt of the best-selling book that nobody has even heard of until today:
'One day I was sitting beside the what I know now is a confluence rather than a tributary of the mighty Mississippi River, with a fishing rod and reading my copy of 'How To Make A Living Out Of Race', when my best friend Hitlerberry Clinn came along.
'Caught anything yet?', he asked me. 'Nope', I replied, 'though there have been a few nibbles, a few splashes, and a few bites on this great day, a day we shall not forget, a day of fishing and of reading, and a day that may lead to a future of hope for this mighty country.'
'Sure', Hitlerberry said, 'your Mom wants you back home for lunch, says it's getting cold.' 'Kindly tell my Mother that in the fullness of time, when we look at out current situation of change, and of new prosperity, and of a couple of trout for dinner, tell the old bat that I'll be along shortly. Race.'
'What?' 'Sorry, hadn't mentioned my skin color or African father for two minutes.' 'Oh, OK', and Hitlerberry sat down and watched Barack expertly cast his line into the water.
'Barack', he said, 'what do you want to be when you grow up?' 'Well', came the reply, 'I sure would like to be trained from an early age to be Mayor of this town. Then, when a particularly dumb if not completely idiotic Mayor stands for re-election I'll also stand, and my Mom will fix it so that all the other candidates are so bad that I'm bound to win.'
'And after that I'll never do anything as Mayor, except make endless speeches that sound like I'm selling snake oil or something. You know, saying lots of words that don't actually mean anything to get the suckers to buy fake medicines.'
'Sounds fun.' 'Sure does. 'Roll up, roll up! Get Obama's Medicinal Compound here! Cures warts, rashes, recessions, and sending your hard-earned wages to Israel! Roll up!'' Then with all the money I make out of the suckers I can go travelling to far, distant places by hot-air balloon, like Dumbsville, to see my Uncle Tom, or Cretin Creek.'
'What's there?' 'The folks there are so stupid they think their town is the mightiest place in the land, when all the other towns think it's the weakest one, and send all the people they don't want to go and live there. Would be great to go there and laugh at the place!'
And so I packed away my fishing equipment, endeavoring to pack it carefully, for we must pack forwardly in what the world will see as, if not a packaged pack of change and progress, will be a package that has the packaging that for too long the American people have not had packed.
On this fishing day our hearts may say that this is not a pack we could have packed earlier, it is not a packaged package of sustained package growth, this is a package that has come a long way from being packed like the packed packs packed a peck of pickled packaged peppers are packed.
'Wipe your shoes on the mat', Mom said, as I went into the cabin we lived in, 'and if Ah sees you talkin' to that Hitlerberry Clinn boy again Ah'll whoop your ass, now git and wash yo' hands!', and then we had a lunch of grits and water melon, while Old Joe's Token Banjo Band played 'The Camptown Races' outside.
Life was tough for us, we were down to our last three automobiles and I only had enough money to apply to 328 universities to study law, but there would always be my snake oil plan to fall back on if we were starving. Though if I ever became Mayor I'd have to drop all that poor, oppressed person facing prejudice baloney, especially if I became a multimillionaire.'
Mr Obama's book is on sale at all secondhand bookshops, proceeds will go to his favorite charity, The Democrat Bullshit Foundation.