Written by Adam Click

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Tags: Penis

Friday, 3 April 2009

Can't find, or can't afford a penis sheath? Follow these simple steps to make your own. All you need are a few tools, some string and a gourd. Gather your materials and find a clean, well lit area in which to work. This can get messy and you don't want to upset the missus...yet.

Finding a gourd: You can always grow your own gourds for use as penis sheaths, but why wait? Trundle on down to the green grocers and have a look see. You'll be amazed at the many varieties of gourd offered. There are three things you should look for, length, width and style. Style is more a matter of personal taste so I'll leave that up to you. Your gourd can be any length, just remember you can find yourself in some awkward positions if your new penis sheath is too long, so choose wisely. finally there's width. you don't want one too wide or too narrow. a loose fitting sheath may fall off at inappropriate times. A gourd which is too narrow will be painful to wear and may cause other unpleasant complications. Winter gourds are better suited for our purposes than summer gourds. If you can't find an appropriate gourd don't be afraid to ask. The green grocer is your friend and will be all too happy to help once you explain the situation to him...or her. Remember to buy only those gourds which have the stem still attached. The stem is where the water will escape and is very important at this point.

Drying your gourd: Find a place with lots of air moving around for drying your gourds and then, just leave them be. Your gourds will be ready when the seeds inside make a rattling sound. Excitement builds as you get closer to crafting the gourds you grew or bought and dried.

Crafting your penis sheath: Crafting your penis sheath is really rather simple once the gourd is dry. Make a cut using a paring knife at the point on the gourd you have chosen to be the hollow end. If the gourd is completely dry a light shaking motion will empty the contents. If not, you can use a melon baller to scrape the inside. Now take your awl and punch a hole on each side of the gourd. next comes the string. I find a nice hemp string works best. If you know your waist measurement use that. otherwise simply wrap the length of string around your belly and across the small of your back. In either instance, be sure and add several inches to the measurement to account for knots and decoration.

Wearing your new sheath: Put One end of the string through the left hole you made and tie it in place. wrap the string as before and inserting your male part into the sheath, insert the string through the hole on the right side of the gourd and make a secure knot. There! Now you have a homemade penis sheath that the president himself would be proud to wear. You can carve words or decorations on the outside of the sheath if you wish. Young men especially, get a kick out of applying decals and stickers. Though all such decorations should be applied beneath a layer of lacquer if you want them to last. Penis sheaths are relatively easy to care for. All that's really required is an occasional buffing with some bee's wax. But just remember, the more you polish it, the better it will look and feel.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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