Written by Onionuttapam

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Thursday, 2 April 2009

image for How to be fashionably hit by the recession

Have you been hit by recession? If not, you should be. Being not hit by recession in a highly recessionary economic environment is a sure sign of being an 'out-of-touch with reality' member of the bourgeois class, a barbaric relic of the glorious pre-recessionary times.

So what if you are a billionaire business tycoon or a multi-millionaire Hollywood star owning wealth that can feed a dozen of your generations down the line? Being a member of the elite club of super-rich doesn't count as a valid excuse for not being hit by recession.

In these gloomy times, the worst social faux pass you can possibly commit is to admit that you have been totally unaffected by the recession. Being untouched by recession is not an indication of being financially savvy, but rather a revelation of your insensitivity towards the sufferings of millions who have been deeply impacted by the downturn of the global economy. How dare you live a secure, untroubled carefree existence while the bulk of humanity is enduring one of the world's worst financial crisis?

So what do you do if you happen to be one of those lucky souls whose wealth keeps increasing at a greater pace than their ability to spend it? How do you hide your shame? Do you start sharing your wealth with the unfortunates heavily affected by the recession? No. You don't really have to go to such extremes when there are easier alternatives available.

All you need to do is to pretend that you too have been hit by recession. Being hit-by-recession is not just a matter of your personal balance-sheet or cash-flow statement. Its the latest fashion statement. If you are not hit-by-recession, you are also regressively unfashionable apart from being an elitist pig - apathetic, indifferent and detached from the misfortunes of millions.

Being hit-by-recession in not really a difficult act to master. Here are few tips for the rich and the famous who still haven't demonstrated to the world that they too have been hit by the recession bug:

* Suppose you are Keira Knightley, top Hollywood actress having earned enough to be able to afford new designer shoes for every single minute of your remaining life on this planet. If you happen to be in her shoes, stop buying them and instead start borrowing or renting shoes whenever you need a new pair. Now you are fashionably weathering the global economic crisis like everyone else, which is good.

* The world's economic condition may be gloomy and millions may be loosing their jobs or homes, but if you belong to the fashion-conscious elite who feel incomplete without your designer handbags and jewellery items, you needn't worry. You can still be very fashionably hit by recession if you pursue unflaggingly recession-flavored fashion known as recessionista (meaning fashionista under recession), a form of fashion that allows you to buy low-cost designer fashion items. But even better, instead of buying low-cost designer accessories, you can like Ms Knightley rent them from rental shops or sites.

* Thanks to the recession, living in a rented apartment is no longer considered infra-dig. On the contrary, its a smart way to prove to the world that you have too been hit by recession. Reportedly, several Bollywood stars have either sold or leased out their owned apartments and moved into smaller rented flats nearby to their old apartments. By selling or renting out your own apartment and using a cheaper rented house as a temporary accommodation, you not only save a fortune but also become fashionably recessional.

* And finally the best and the most profitable way to establish your recession-hit status, especially if you happen to be a billionaire banker, is to demand a bailout of your business by tax-payers money. Asking for a bailout is the ultimate class act. If you are just an ordinary billionaire you are expected to help thousands of people dependent on you by not firing them and allowing them to ride the recession with their jobs intact. But if you are a recession-hit billionaire, you can expect the government to help you out by providing trillions of dollars to you which you can quietly embezzle by stashing it away in your private accounts in the form of salaries, bonuses and dividends.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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