Written by J.M.Reay

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Thursday, 8 July 2004

image for Bristol To Decare Independence From United Kingdom. Bristol will need it's own police force

In a shock announcement this morning, the major of Bristol, councillor Cray De-Walsh, declared he would lead the partition to separate Bristol from the United Kingdom, and thereby instigate "the birth of a new super state in the South West."
"We have been in talking with the E.U. and an announcement is pending when my secretary gets it typed up."
Asked to put in a nutshell what his proposals were, De-Walsh 51, outlined his vision of the future.
"We will be digging a trench, running from Portishead in the west and across to Keynsham, then turning north to Mangotsfield, before heading back to the estuary, to terminate at Redwick. The trench will be flooded by the Severn and we will enjoy independent island status. At strategic points drawbridges will allow access for VIP's and other dignitaries, as well as essential imports like food and toilet paper. We are now actively seeking navvies and welcome applications from all members of the navvy community."
Asked how he planned to defend the city from any inevitable Whitehall attack, De-Walsh became coy.
"I can't go into any great details on strategic defense, Forewarned is forearmed after all." He paused for a moment before going on worrying, "London can have a go, but it needs to be aware we can take it on and win. How? With good Bristol Isle spunk that’s how. And we've also just bought a large supply of gunpowder from the Welsh Coal Board. It's not really a question of who will fight, more who would not resist the call to defend ones homeland state."
De-Walsh added he hoped the trench would be dug in time for Christmas when he planned to host a Chris De-Berg concert for all citizens to savour.
Elsewhere in the city life appeared to be running as normal, with just under seventy-five suicide jumpers taking a leap off the famous suspension bridge. One victim was cut in half by a cable on the way down, so affecting the overall bag tally for the day.
No one from the Home Office was available to comment, but someone promised someone would call back after lunch.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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