Written by matwil
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Tags: BBC, Weather

Saturday, 21 March 2009

image for BBC weather forecast BBC weather girl Secksi Nicelegs, the only reason anyone watches the forecasts

Here is today's BBC weather forecast, brought to you by the Corporation's multi-million pound computer graphics-run system, and lots of faceless men that wouldn't know their rain from their drizzle:

'At dawn the sun will rise, making temperatures increase, and will cause widespread thawing of frost and occasional mist, as always happens in March. This will be followed by widespread warmer air and outbreaks of mild inland wind. But people living near the coast should beware of higher winds, as has happened for the last 300,000 years in British coastal regions.

Towards midday humidity will slightly increase in London, and as we're in London we can't be bothered with the rest of the 50 million British people that live outside of that huge city, so here's our chance to plug a few BBC sports programmes instead, not that anyone watches BBC sports programmes any more. There will be fresh air in Cardiff for the 6-nations' finale between Ireland and Wales, and some fog at Kempton Park races, and warmish central heating for the tiddlywinks world championship in Durham.

And the water may be a bit cold in the River Thames, for the Celebrity Death-Row Match between Oxbridge and Camford, my boss went to Oxbridge and told me to mention that dreadful dump, so I just did. As night falls it will get a little colder, and remember - don't forget to turn your heating on if it gets chilly in March.

It will be cold in East Anglia and the Midlands, but will be below freezing in the Grampians - this has also been the case for the last 300,000 years in March - and huge tyrannosaurus rexes will roam across Wales, attacking and killing everyone they meet, followed by an Ice Age with massive glaciers and general misery and some frost in Mrs Davies's garden, in Lllangoliogochyhgoodgollimissmollillewellyn. Mrs Davies makes my tea.

Tomorrow will see the sun rising again, and it getting warmer until sunset, when there may be light rain and some frost across the whole of the United Kingdom. Later a few snowflakes may fall in Lancashire, or maybe Yorkshire - we can't be too sure, as Britain's weather is so unpredictable that the idea of televised weather forecasts is a ridiculous waste of time and money.'

'If you want to know what the weather is doing, look out of the window', said a BBC accountant, Bob McElwheeze, 'but whatever you do don't send your money to the BBC, to pay for the most obvious confidence trick since George W Bush became American President, or Adolf Hitler played centre-half for Bolton Wanderers.'

Poland today knocked England out of the World Cup, highlights will not be shown later on Match of the Day 2, nor will the Polish weather forecast be on.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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