Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Friday, 20 March 2009

Dear Mr. Sports Sidekick: How come we have never heard of a National Basketball Association player taking steroids?

Ryan Taliaferro
Bismarck, North Dakota


Dear Ryan: That is a very good question. I called up Dr. Ichabod Buckmaster who is perhaps the world's foremost authority on anabolic steriods, and who has actually written 17 books on the subject.

Dr. Buckmaster said that one thing that the average fan or person does not realize is that if an individual (e.g. NBA player) who has three or more tattoos takes any type of steroid at all he will develop an affliction known as Lipaloopagrandamonga.

Now what this 20-letter word means is that within 12 minutes of ingesting the steroid, the individual's lips will begin to puff up and actually will swell up to ten times their normal size.

And if you think that Lisa Rinna and Mick Jagger have big lips, compared to these two a player who gets Lipaloopagrandamonga will make Rinna and Jagger look like they have dental floss lips.

So, it stands to reason that if an NBA player were to get this affliction it would definitely tend to have a tremendous negative affect on the player's ability to shoot free throws.



Dear Sports Sidekick: First of all I enjoyed the piece you did on the reason hockey pucks smell so darn bad. I really had no idea that they were treated with one of the most powerful insecticides known to man namely Bugsbedamnedtohell X-102B.

Now my question is this. What affect do you think that the Terrell Owens departure will have on the 2009-2010 Cowboys season?

Wallace "Pogo Stick" Checkerwood
Waxahachie, Texas


Dear "Pogo Stick": First let me say that I have never heard anyone with that nickname. I have heard people nicknamed "Pogo" and the best man at my third wedding was nicknamed "Stick."

But anyway to answer your question I made three phone calls. The first was to Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo. Jessica answered his phone and said that he was in the shower so I decided to ask her if TO's departure would affect the Cowboys. And sweet little Jessica launched into a tirade of cuss words that one generally only hears in lumberjack camps up in Montana.

Next I called coach Wade Phillips and he answered, "Terrell who?"

My third and final call was to Cowboys owner Jerry Jones. After I asked him the question, he paused for a few moments and then replied, "Yeah, I think that I'll miss old T.O...like I'll miss Excedrin headaches, 8, 19, 31, and 81!"



Dear Sports Sidekick: In your sports-minded opinion. Who is the greatest boxer of all time? My wife says Joe Louis and I say Muhammad Ali.

Mr. and Mrs. Howard Cowbell, Jr.
Laramie, Wyoming


Dear Mr. and Mrs. Howard Cowbell, Jr.: In my opinion the greatest boxer of all time would have to be my fiancee's boxer, Mr. Gladiator. JK.

I would have to say Rocky Marciano. The man retired with a 49-0 record. And 43 of his victories were by knockout. So for that reason the man receives the Sports Sidekick rating of five out of five Boxing Ampersands: &&&&&

Coming in next month's SportSphere edition: The Top 900 NFL punters of all time.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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