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Saturday, 14 March 2009

image for Mickey Rourke: Delighted to win an oscar and best "old comer" at the Shitcannes Film festival A "tired and emotional" Mickey is returned to his enclosure following his collection of the ShitCannes award

Recent Oscar winner,career Barfly,boozehound, bare knucklehead, and prize drunk, Mickey Rourke is to star in the film adaptation of Henry Charles Bukowski's gritty urban novel, "Phuckwitz and I" alongside Al Pacino.

The film 'noir' is set in 1960's New York and describes the experiences of an Irish American fighter with a penchant for drink, dames and drugs. In an incoherent ramble delivered from his wheel barrow,Mickey described what attracted him to the role. "I felt it was time to step out and explore my raw, naked Psyche in a tale of drunken existential hell, in which an aged Lothario undergoes plastic surgery that leaves his face looking like a condom stuffed with unshelled walnuts. My Psyche is not as raw and naked as it once was but occasionally vanishes on a bender for several days to run up a huge bar tab and get arrested somewhere. Mickey continued to mumble only to be interrupted by alternately urinating, or defecating toy dogs. It's a moving 'comeback' story about a guy who pissed his chances up the wall, drives everyone insane and then wins it all back again". Insider sources claim Sly Stallone turned the part down in order to play Gore Vidal in an imminent biopic.

Mickey Mouse was recently nominated for a Shitcannes award for his role as the gun toting, drunken, asthmatic harmonica player "wheezy" in the adaptation of Thomas Hardy's, "The return of the plaintiff". Critics praised Rourke's sensitive and understated performance especially in the scenes where he massacres an entire bar full of Dorset shepherds using a milking stool and then seduces the bar tenders voluptuous young wife by firing strawberries into her with a catapault. Mickey's agents, the NYPD expressed satisfaction that their charge was getting more demanding and fulfilling roles. "The guy deserved a break; he had spent too long playing sleeping characters, drunks, bums, dead bodies and thugs". The rumour mill points to a reconciliation with Kim Basinger". "Kim is keen to work with Mickey Mouse again providing no foodstuffs or blind folds are involved" Claim her agents. Following the release of "Nine and a Half Weeks" Basinger was admitted to the Betty Ford Clinic for soft fruit addiction.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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