Written by Andy Lam

Print this

Tuesday, 6 July 2004

image for Object Absorption Phone booth - prior to absorption

I have been conducting some new experiments around a pet theory of mine that I think you all will find interesting and useful. The concept is object absorption and here is how it works:

1) Select an object - start with something small, like a penny, you need to become accustomed to the process and train yourself to accommodate new mass.

2) Stare at the object - this is critical! You MUST stare, without looking away for more than 2-3 seconds, for several hours (the shortest period I have been able to achieve absorption was sixteen hours, my average is seventy two).

3) Store the object - this is the point where the object is actually absorbed - through your eyes - by your body. It seems to come after you enter into an almost trance-like stupor. It is a VERY odd sensation when it happens - one moment you see the object on the floor in front of you and the next it is OBVIOUSLY inside your body.

I have managed to absorb several objects: a penny, a key, a pocket knife (always do this one closed!), a pen, a stapler, a coffee cup, a walkman, a book (it was one I'd already read - "The Bridges of Madison County", I would say that if you really want to cry, read this book. I cried so much that my staff would only allow me to read one word a day), a telephone, a clock radio, a waffle iron, a toaster oven, a toolbox (with all of the tools it contained), a log, a weedwacker, a wooden chair, an end table, a recliner, a sofa, a bookshelf (without the books - I may want to read them! ha ha!), a computer, a shrub, a spare tire, a fire hydrant, a box of crackers, a balloon, a pinwheel, a mailbox, a manhole cover, a flag pole, a window sill, a piece of paper, a dollar, a match, a shirt, a trash can (which I would not do again and not recommend that you do either - unless you buy it new and never put any garbage in before you try), a motorcycle, a phonebooth, an ATM machine, a VW Bug, a janitor and a hospital bed.

What I have not mastered, and the focus of some upcoming experiments, is EXTRACTING the objects once they have been absorbed. I am sure there has to be a way to get these things out of me and put them back to work but damn if I can figure it out. That is where I hope you might be able to help. If ANYONE has ANY ideas on how to do this, please contact me ASAP!!!!

I have absorbed so much weight at this point that I am virtually unable to move. I also make quite a racket when I do - and air travel is completely out of the question.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!
Print this


Go to top