Hi boys and girls. My name is Bobby Jindal and I'm speaking to you from the governor's mansion in Baton Rouge. Isn't that a really big staircase behind me! I'm here tonight to talk about what President Barack Obama just said in his speech to the joint session of Congress.
President Obama is a good man but he's been corrupted by Washington politicians like Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi. Yuck, just saying those names gives me a tummy-ache. But before I explain to you how his speech was misguided liberal big government, tax-and-spend rhetoric, let me tell you a little about my background.
Before I was born my daddy and mommy moved from India to Baton Rouge to build a better life. Just as President Obama is the first African-American to be in the White House, I am the first person from India to be governor of Louisiana. Now you might think "Big deal, this is the state that elected Huey Long". Well I can tell you I sure look better to the Republican National Committee than some of those wing nuts at the CPAC convention in Washington this week.
My parents named me Piyush but when I was still a boy I decided that the most important thing in life was cutting taxes so I became a Republican politician. I was worried that people in Louisiana wouldn't vote for me if they couldn't pronounce my name so I changed it to something more "southern" sounding. Have you ever noticed that grown men in the South have either diminutive names like Bobby or proper names like Robert, but never Bob. Why is that?.
Well, anyway I worked my way up though the political ranks and now here I am, a possible candidate for president of the United States in 2012. Some people say I'm just the latest Republican human sacrifice at the Obama alter of oratory. Others who are not very nice say at least I'm not Sarah Palin; but just wait till you see the reaction to my speech from the news bloggers tomorrow.
I was a state representative when Hurricane Katrina hit and I remember a sheriff from New Orleans calling and asking for my help. I told him I would do anything I could as long as it didn't involve leaving Baton Rouge. He said that he needed permission to rescue people who were trapped on rooftops. He had been told that he couldn't enlist private boats without proper insurance, permits and licenses. I thought about Dick Cheney and George Bush for a minute and then I told the sheriff that we have way too much regulation in this country and that it was okay to break the law as long as you didn't get caught. Oops, oh well sheriff, I guess I blew that one. Don't worry, I'll pardon you if you get convicted.
That's the great thing about being a Republican. As long as you cut taxes it doesn't matter what else you do. And that's what's wrong with the Democrat's stimulus package. It actually raises taxes based on the flimsy excuse of having to deal with the mess left behind by the previous administration. Like most of the Republicans in Congress I haven't actually taken the time to read the stimulus bill but somebody told me that it includes money for this futuristic floating train from Disneyland to the Vegas Strip. I know it sounds ridiculous that anybody would really put that into a bill but I'm willing to believe anything that makes Democrats look silly.
Then there is this earmark for something called volcano monitoring. We don't have any volcanoes in Louisiana but I'll bet that watching one is like sitting on the beach and waiting for a hurricane to come on shore, why bother. When it does you just get in your car and drive to Houston or wherever until it's over and come back and wait for Federal assistance. You sure don't need to spend taxpayers' hard-earned dollars to hire some Washington bureaucrat to "monitor" it.
Have any of you heard of trickle-down economics? All we need is do is to let rich people keep more of their money and they will go spend it on yachts and private jets and stuff and somehow the money will make its way down the economic food chain to ordinary people. I'm not an expert on fiscal policy but it all makes sense if you just imagine that money is like water. If you store a whole lot of it in a big lake that's right next to a major city sooner or later it will leak through a levee and trickle down to all the regular people's houses.
Well boys and girls, the guy behind the camera with the headphones is making the "cut" sign like they do in the movies so I guess it's time for me to say goodnight. God bless America, God bless market forces and God bless tax cuts.