Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
So what if you're not the same level-headed person your wife said she married. Doctor Frankenstein did the best he could with what he had to work with.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Sure, proposing marriage by an airplane banner was a great idea three years ago, but "What's for supper?" is beginning to push it a bit.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Yes they call it plastic surgery but doing it yourself with your own plastic to save money was stupid. Now you REALLY need plastic surgery.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
It's time for you to be brutally honest with yourself. Your figure is not Rubenesque. That there is an A#1 example of a lardass if I've ever seen one.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
No one cares what you say, that "Make A Wish" sick kid's request was to have you tarred and feathered and ridden out of town on a rail and, by golly, you're gonna do it!
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Here's a late update! Instead of a tall dark stranger entering your life last night, that should have been a tall dark "strangler". But never mind, you can't hear me.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
No one cares if that ky-jelly stuff helps your bowel movements. How come you shoved that stuff up there in the first place?
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
You'll be in a very sober mood all afternoon, right up until Happy Hour!
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
According to Einstein everything is made out of energy if you enlarge it enough. So, the next time someone calls you lazy for sitting around on the couch all day playing video games, tell them you're testing Einstein's theory.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEPT)
Once that bank bag full of money exploded, you can argue with the police until you're even more pupple in the face and it still won't do you any good.
Libra (23 SEPT-23 OCT)
Before you placed all those Viagra pills in the brownies at work, you should have realized it would turn some of those pricks into statues.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Before calling the police and getting out photos of your missing baby for the posters and milk cartoons, why don't you first go check out Angelina Jolie's place?