Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
The stars see a vast change in your future as soon now, the days will grow longer, you'll begin to shed clothing and the sun will appear to be much stronger.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Although you've always claimed that your health is what really matters, you have to believe the little lady's new breast implants have made them a close second and third.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Having a stripper jump out of the pool was a great idea for John's Bachelor Party but it now appears that you shouldn't have added that last toast because that's her body just floating around out there
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
While your wall graffiti contains some beautiful and original work, I don't think the people of Israel will show much appreciation for it early tomorrow morning. You should have learned this lesson in China two years ago.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
You did a great job with the hidden mike and camera but your son will not appreciate your filming his first time with his fiancee when you present it as a gift.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
You're going to have to make that choice this week. As your wife told you, "it's either Blow-Up Betty or her!"
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
You'll finally get to see that hot-looking babe you've been seeing around town after the aluminum factory explosion causes your now 500-pound body to be rushed by ambulance to the hospital where it turns out that she's the emergency room nurse.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
I'm glad you finally had some closure in your life as that runaway son was finally coming home to see you after 20 years, when the heart attack hits Thursday morning.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
You're still a young man but you'll soon learn that you can't you can't go through life with a chip on your shoulder and a pinwheel beanie on your head.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEPT)
After traveling halfway around the world in pursuit of your dream, you'll finally realize that the carrot is hanging by a string from a pole, you jackass!
Libra (23 SEPT-23 OCT)
After a few more months, you'll be the only bachelor left from your old gang. How doe it feel to be watching the Sci-Fi Channel again tonight while all your old buddies are humping their hearts out?
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
For some reason, you always thought that "rope dance" meant that thing cowboys did in the old western movies with their lariats. Well, that old chestnut will quickly disappear come sunrise.