The recently established Baseball Commissioner's office for "Keeping The Game Clean", having decided to unearth Babe Ruth's body, to prove to the whole world that once upon a time all American baseball players were completely free of illegal substances, received instead an unearthly surprise just yesterday.
"No one was more surprised by this than me," prattled Babe Ruth's great great great American granddaughter Missy Baby Ruthie from her cradle.
The antecedents to this unexpected surprise finding were as follows:
The Baseball Commissioner called in all the newly assigned personnel from the Baseball Commissioner's office for "Keeping The Game Clean", and stated, "Look here, we gotta do something about all this illegal substances issue. We gotta prove to the whole world that once upon a time all American baseball players was all clean and upstanding great Americans. We gotta prove this beyond all doubt to everybody and their brother. So here's what we're gonna do. We're gonna dig up Babe Ruth. And we're gonna test him for every kind of illegal substance know to man. Then we're gonna announce to the whole wide world that Babe Ruth was free of all substance abuse."
"But boss," interjected one of the Commish's newly assigned "Keep The Game Clean" people, "That there Babe Ruth feller was a drinker - alcohol - you know?"
"Not a problem," The Baseball Commissioner replied, and added, "Don't you know nothing? Don't you know alcohol dries up and disappears after just a couple of weeks. The Babe's been dead for a lot'a years. And by the way, you're fired."
"But boss," essayed another of the Commish's newly assigned "Keep The Game Clean" people, "It's illegal to dig dead people up, some sort'a societal regulation, you know?"
"Not a problem neither," the Commissioner replied, adding, "Don't you know there's ways to do illegal things that make them things real legal? Don't you know all we need is the Sultan of Swat's living family's approval and permission? The Babe's family would love to be back in the news. They can make a lot of money that way. Oh, by the way, you're fired too."
"I think you're so right, boss," enthused another member of the "Keep The Game Clean" office, "I hear the Babe's got a brand new great great great granddaughter sitting in a baby cradle somewhere. Them baby girls say yes to almost anything you ask 'em. I'll be happy to run right over there and get her footprint on a set of legal papers that will let us dig The Babe right up. That will fully comply with any sort'a societal regulation, you know."
"You do that," the Commissioner replied, adding, "Make sure everything is legal and proper. Have my secretary type up an ironclad agreement. Don't want nobody claiming any of the p's and q's wasn't dotted. By the way, you screw this up you're gonna get fired."
Having legally secured Missy Baby Ruthie's complete approval and footprinted signature sign, the Commissioner's "Keep The Game Clean" office proceeded to dig up Babe Ruth's skeletal remains, and proceeded to subject The Babe to every drug and illegal substance test known to man and medicine and quacks.
"But boss, why the quacks?" asked one of the Commissioner's "Keep The Game Clean" personnel, "Nobody cares what quacks gotta say about nothing; we don't need their opinion on this".
"Don't you know nothing?" The Commissioner said angrily, and added, "The American people are suckers for what quacks have to say about everything; and there aint a quack test ever made that's worth the two cents it takes to get it done. Quack test won't find nothing. That's what we want here. And hey, look, go clean out your desk right now, you're fired."
Babe Ruth's body was thoroughly tested not just once, but several thousand times.
Not only were The Baseball Commissioner and all the remaining "Keep The Game Clean" office personnel present at all those tests, but every single Baseball Team Owner was also there too. They were all "smiles" and "handshakes" and "pats on the back" and "We're hitting this one right out'a the park" as each test result came in and was tabulated and publicly ballyhooed as "Look at this The Babe was all natural, man".
Then, suddenly, every "smile" turned wan, every "handshake" went limp, every "pat on the back" became a frightened fist of anxiety, because one of the quack tests read "POSITIVE".
Babe Ruth's skeletal remains showed beyond all doubt that Babe Ruth's skeleton was full of Doggy-Roids. That very significant result could not be kept secret from the world, because all The Baseball Team Owners had invited all the mass media of the entire world to be present alongside all of them, and none of the world's mass media could resist this fantastically newsworthy story's publicity value.
Headlines broke out all over the world: "Doggy-Roids found in Babe Ruth", "Sultan Of Swat Proven To Be Hot Dog Eater Of Prodigious Dimensions"
"Why's this such an issue?" yelled The Baseball Commissioner, "I eat hot dogs too. They're not illegal. They're selling hot dogs down the street right now".
"But boss, don't you know nothing?" asked one of the Commissioner's "Keep The Game Clean" personnel, "That quack test is being used all over the world to prove that people who eat hot dogs in prodigious amounts develop a substance called Doggy-Roids in their bodies, and Doggy-Roids make man, woman, or child gain almost supernatural powers. People with Doggy-Roids are as fast as a speeding Greyhound, as tough as a big Bull-Mastiff, and as wiry as a Dachshound. And, boss, Doggy-Roids stitch themselves right into the bone structure. Uh-hum, yeah, boss, even a skeleton that's been buried a thousand years can't get rid of them Doggy-Roids".
"Why's that an issue?" screamed The Baseball Commissioner, "Hot dogs are legal. I'm eating one right now".
"Yeah, but, boss, you only got one," said one of the "Keep The Game Clean" personnel.
"That's right, boss, you gotta eat at least one a second for about ten years before you develop Doggy-Roids," added another of the "Keep The Game Clean" personnel.
"So what?" said The Baseball Commissioner while jumping up and down, "Hot dogs aint illegal".
"Not quite true, boss, anybody that eats a hot dog every second for ten years is obviously and intentionally trying to develop Doggy-Roids," said a member of the "Keep The Game Clean" personnel, "And that was declared illegal about three years ago by "The Human Health Society Of Concerned Citizens Of The World".
"So what?" ranted The Baseball Commissioner, "America is not a signatory to that stupid society's stupid declaration".
"Not true no more, boss, The United States became a signatory nation about two months ago, and there's a codicil that says all signatories agree that the declaration is retroactive to the year of national birth, which for The United States takes it all the way back to 1776," said a now very happy member of the "Keep The Game Clean" personnel.
"Get out'a here all'a you," shouted The Baseball Commissioner, "You're all friggin' fired".
"Sorry, Donald, The Baseball Team Owners have all agreed that you have to be fired," said all the now very happy members of the "Keep The Game Clean" personnel.
The next day this headline appeared in The Wall Street Journal: "New Baseball Commissioner Donald Trump Fired Over Babe Ruth's Skeleton Test For Illegal Doggy-Roids"