Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Even though you and your blind date already hate each other's guts within half an hour, you' still have to do the best you can until the guide dogs get unhung.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
You need to go put those back. While I realize the "Sperm" part of the Bank light was out last night, you still should have left those things there.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Having worked for FEMA for years, you resent all those jokes about the New Orleans Katrina disaster. Now that Bush is gone, you can tell everyone that what really slowed you down was having to "mosey" through Texas.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
A family of black bears will ruin your otherwise, non-fatal campout next week.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
After a sudden shower you will dislocate your hip after falling 34 times trying to walk from the soap flake factory to your car. On the other hand, you'll win second place on America's Funniest Videos next season.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
You need to quit with that "Nobody in the world likes me" over and over again. Why do you think we hate you so much?
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
You will be forced to remove your kid's "Crow's Nest" because a town ordinance forbids your building their treehouse that high for safety reasons. Besides, the kids can't climb that high. Plus those nudists over ther have binoculars also.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
How many times are you going to have to hear "You The Man!" before you stop walking like that?
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Not wishing to alarm you or anything, but I wouldn't make too many plans beyond next Thursday's Annual "Running Of The Hornets".
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEPT)
This will be a rough week for you as a lightning strike will meld you together as an eight-footed, four headed thing that uses four Big-Bertha golf clubs to get around. On the positive side, EVERYONE will let you play through.
Libra (23 SEPT-23 OCT)
I realize that you have searched from the attic to under all the beds but don't you think, after six months, you should report your wife as missing?
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Though it's not clear exactly what you'll wind up doing but, because of it, both the democrats and republicans will push through a tougher, more restrictive gun law in record time.