Written by Lamorak
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Sunday, 15 February 2009

When people whom I've known for a fairly short time hear that I have a funny cartoon book, they generally ask, "What kind of cartoons are they?" I've always been stumped by this question. I usually say, "Stupid and Terrible, " and they get a weird look on their face. Lately I've found that "Inappropriate" seems to be the best way to describe my sense of humor, though that still requires some explanation.

So here's an example: You're at a wedding reception, and you're asked to make the toast. Let's say you don't know the bride very well, and there's a lot of older aunts and a grandmother or two present. What's the worst thing you could say? How about, "A Toast May Bob's leprous penis never fall off inside Betty's butt "

Now that's a real show-stopper Just imagine the uncomfortable silence that would come over the room.

Mind you, I would never actually do this, and it really wouldn't be that funny if I did - but it's sure funny to think about At least for me. And thus, a new cartoon is born.

Another example: You're at a funeral (yes, this is going to be even worse). You're consoling a good friend whose girlfriend has just died, and you say, "Well, at least dead girlfriends rarely object to anal sex "

Again, actually doing it - not funny at all; imagining it being done - pretty funny At least for those us of us who are going to Hell.

Usually my terrible thoughts, which really are quite involuntary, spawn cartoons. But I've also been inspired to created some bumper stickers. I would never put them on my car, but the idea of seeing them on someone else's car . . . well, it's funny. Example: are you tired of seeing the "My Kid is . . ." and the "My kid can beat up your ____ kid" bumper stickers? Here's my version:

"My Gay Kid can Suck your Kid's Dick "

Wouldn't it be great to replace theirs with this one, hoping they wouldn't notice for a few days. Imagine that moment of discovery, with them wondering how long it had been there, how many people had seen it, and if it had been there when they drove to church last Sunday.

I've also written some poetry. Imagine something romantic, something that a Knight would recite to his Lady, or his Queen. How about -

Lick my Dick,
And make it quick,
Or in thy butt,
My dick I'll stick.

My most recent project was a song. My wife plays the dumbek with a Middle Eastern music group. They were at our house practicing, and I started thinking about lyrics that would go with the music. It's Middle Eastern, so I thought "terrorist"; it's traditional music, so I thought "Rap", of course. Here's part of what I came up with:

I want to blow you up, and have sex in Heaven,
Instead of working nights in a 7-11.

Osama bin Laden is my hero,
Look at that hole that they call "Ground Zero"

A towel for a hat, and a camel for a ride,
I got a magical lamp with a genie inside.

A security risk? That's not true
Does anybody here have a light for my shoe?

That's just a small sample of "Hassan Chop Authentic Jihad Rap". There's actually a lot more to this song - my mind just wouldn't stop, once it got started.

Not all of my stuff is "Terrible". Like the title cartoon of my book, "Too Windy to Walk the Cat", a lot of it's just silly. I was even able to make a "family friendly" version of my book, though it's considerably thinner. But the outrageous things are what tend to stick in people's minds and, for that reason, define my sense of humor. So I'll leave you with another inappropriate bumper sticker -

STOP AIDS
Just Say, "Don't Fuck my Butt "

I know, it's another Sodomy reference. Sorry, it's just that butt stuff is, . . . well, . . . really funny

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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