Hello readers. My name is Derek Dimbleby. Today joyously brings forth the birth of what I like to call 'Creationist Mythbusters,' a series of articles in which I, the master of knowledge and wisdom, permit YOU, the reader, to pose questions on nature, philosophy, and nature. I will answer some of them.
The Bible is interpreted (that means, understood, readers) in lots and lots of ways. Some sinners think it is a fable, some sinners think it's a metaphor (when you say something is something else that it is not), and some sinners think it is not true at all (I know, morons). I, however, am no sinner, because I think the Bible is all, exactly, down to the very last word, precisely and utterly right.
I will probably write further instalments, but only if you send me plenty of questions (no silly atheists or Muslims, please), and only if you send me lots and lots of money. Lots of money. No, really, I'm serious (see: "Hell").
The first question that I will answer in my article was asked by Michael, from Alabama. Say hello, Michael. Hello, Michael.
"Hi, Derek. I watched the cartoons last night, and in them I saw a zebra. Why do zebras have stripes, and why do they have black and white stripes? Ps, I love your articles. Love,
Why thank you Michael. I do try my hardest best. In answer to your lovely little question, I have studied theological biology (that means, reading the Bible and learning about plants and animals and things), and one of the first things we learned about was zebras, so I can answer you with confidence (that means being brave, like Jesus).
The zebra is coloured in black and white. That is because, when God created animals, He had not yet created colour, and He had not yet created spots, so all creatures, large and small, were black and white, with stripes; when The Lord did create colour, and spots, and hoops, and checks, and all manner of wonderful things, he decided to make all His pets different; He made red lions, and blue fish, and blue lions, and all kinds of beautiful and Righteous hues were bestowed on Creation, as is Just and True. The zebra begins with Z, the last letter in the whole alphabet, so, God re-designed the zebra last; and, because no other creature looked quite the same, our Father had no need to change its appearance.
So now you know, young Michael, and you may not burn in the fires of hell for eternity. Sleep now, my son, sleep.
I think that's rather enough education for one day, readers, so do bid you farewell. If you do not want to be smitten (that means brutally slaughtered by an angry and almighty God), then read my article again, and be sure to tune in next time.
Goodnight, my children,