Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Just because one of the customers told you that you had given her back three cents too much in change for the postal stamp, doesn't mean you have to go on a killing rage and take out everybody at the post office.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
So you were all set to expose the tented seance lady, Madame Bavior and her little table rising game, but you never expected the table to not only rise but get up and excuse itself to go outside to pee.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Your new scarecrow scheme has certainly driven off all the crows. However, take a look outside and see how many buzzard there are on that thing.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Be sure to double up on your Tourettes medication before you go to the dentist. Remember last time when you had your mouth washed out with soap three times and almost lost your tongue.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
While your new hairdo may be the only one like it, an "original" as they say, somehow it turns out to be in the same shape as the little Brain-Drilling Woodpecker's nest.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Of course there are no such things as mermaids, you dolt! You have only your drunken self to blame for marrying that manatee.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
I guess it was worth the effort, even though the aluminum foiled hat won't keep the internet site from identifying exactly where the sex offenders live in your town.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
While it's true that you have accomplished much for a person with such a low IQ, at least some credit should go to your mother, the alcoholic.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
You will succeed in becoming famous this week, not by staying in a helium balloon lifted lawn chair for the longest time, but by becoming the first one brought down by a flock of wild geese. In fact, "Idiot In Lawn Chair Dies From Wild Goose Chase" will make banner headlines all the way around the world.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEPT)
Usually it's the sense of sight or hearing that goes first with aging but for you it will be your sense of proportion, Lardass!
Libra (23 SEPT-23 OCT)
Although most people would argue that Houdini was the greatest escape artist ever, you'll still be a hit at the local bar for escaping that nagging wife and her big-mouthed mother.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Even though the surgeon said that you'd have no trouble having the baby by c-section, you'll wake up in the recovery room feeling like a gutted carp.