Written by Gael Force Clichy

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Friday, 30 January 2009

"Are you an Arsenal fan? Tired of wondering whether or not your team will secure the talents of the mercurial Russian? Wondering why your team hasn't made any improvements during the course of the January 2009 transfer window? Well, wonder no more...presenting, Arse' on Arsh'!"

Gael Force: "Good morning Arsene, great to have you here, but let's not waste any of your precious time, I'm sure you've got plenty to be getting on with *winks and chuckles*, I think we should get straight into it. The question on every Arsenal fans lips - will Andrei Arshavin sign for you before the 5pm deadline on Monday?"

Arsene Wenger: "Maybe, maybe not, I do not know. I cannot be sure. If there is one thing I am sure of, it is that I cannot say anything for definite at the moment."

GF: "What do you mean, you don't know? Surely, as the manager of Arsenal Football Club, you are kept up to date on this never-ending transfer saga?"

AW: "You would think so, yes, and I can categorically confirm that Andrei Arshavin is a 27-year-old Russian playmaker who plays for Zenit St. Petersburg. I do not know any more than that."

GF: "But surely, your need for a creative midfield player is almost desperate. Your attack lacks subtle genius due to Cesc Fabregas' injury, and certainly, Arshavin can bring that genius to your team."

AW: "Yes."

GF: "So..."

AW: "So what?"

GF: "Are you looking to strengthen your team in that department?"

AW: "I have always said that I strive to build a team, not based on the size of their transfer fee, but on the quality of the players themselves."

GF: "That's all very well, but you're not answering the question Arsene. Are you, or are you not, looking to add to your squad before Monday? Yes or no will suffice."

"AW: I have always said that I strive to build a team, not based on the size of their transfer fee, but on the quality of the players themselves. If there is a player of immense quality, I will sign him - only if he is better than what we already have."

GF: "Andrei Arshavin. Surely a player of 'immense quality', and you have been heavily linked with him for most of January, yet nothing has come to fruition. Why? Considering that Fabregas is injured, and your only other central midfield attacker is Samir Nasri, he is definitely needed."

AW: "Andrei Arshavin is a very good player, yes, I have never denied it. Sometimes, I look at players, and I think, "Yes, he is very good." Very good players are always looked at by very good clubs. And we are a very good club. If the piece fits into the jigsaw, then the ball is in your court. If the ball is in your court, it is up to you to put the icing on the cake. And he is Russian, yes."

GF: "What the bloody hell does that mean?! Look, can you just put a value on the likelihood of Arshavin signing?"

AW: "It is maybe 90%. I am 90% sure that I will have approximately 90% of the things needed to sign Arshavin done in 90% of the remaining 3 days. Of course, the last 10% is by far the most difficult. But yes, you will be informed if we sign someone."

GF: "Thankyou, and for the final word, can you just categorically confirm that you <I>are</I> interested in signing Andrei Arshavin, and are confident of getting his signature before Monday's deadline?"

AW: "Who?"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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