Written by Madame Bitters
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Sunday, 25 January 2009

image for "Madame Bitters, Why are You Such a Bitch?" Asks Angry Reader Meet the houseboy, Enrique!

Dearest Madame Bitters,

Madame Bitters, why are you such an uncaring bitch?

I've been reading your column since you started posting on theSpoof.com and I am horrified by your "advice". It's not only wrong-headed but some of your suggestions are dangerous and illegal.

Your "advice" is going to hurt someone one day and then what are you going to do? I don't know how you sleep at night.

Sanctimonious in Savannah, GA

Sactimonious:

You want to know how I sleep at night? Really? All right, I'll tell you.

I sleep in a king-size canopy bed on 500 count Egyptian cotton sheets. I surround myself with pillows that are stuffed only with the finest down.

The mattress I sleep on is made from shredded $100 bills and the same foam used on NASA space shuttles. This foam works much better as a mattress on a bed than as insulation on a space shuttle. Or whatever it is that NASA uses it for.

There now. Do you feel better, Sanctimonious?

Oh, you were asking how I can sleep at night with the knowledge I've ruined or ended so many lives.

For the most part very well, thank you. I've always had "guilt issues" and by that I mean that I don't feel any. It's just one of the many quirks that makes Madame Bitters what she is

Now there are some nights when I toss and turn a bit. On those occasions I press a button that's located on my bedside table. It summons Enrique, my 22 year old houseboy. He's always very prompt. He's so good at helping me "relax" that afterward I sleep like a little baby.

A very satisfied little baby. ;)

Madame Bitters

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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