Written by Nogger

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Thursday, 22 January 2009

Worried your bank might be in difficulty? Top financial experts have revealed a foolproof guide into how to spot the tell-tale signs.

The first thing to look for, they say, is does it have the word "Bank" in it's title? If it does then you can be pretty sure, yes it is having financial trouble, and could implode at any minute.

If you are worried about your bank, they recommend that you go to your local branch, if you can find one.

Once you get to your nearest branch there are a few signs to look for. Is it open? If the answer is no, then you can be pretty sure it is in severe financial difficulties. If the answer is yes, try making eye contact with a member of staff, if they look away quickly then you can be sure that they have lent all your money to some Russian bloke who has no intention whatsoever of paying it back.

If you have to queue for hours behind some Polish electrician who wants to wire fifteen zlotys to Poznan, then you know, without doubt, that you will never see your money again.

If all else fails try ringing up. If you can't get through then it's highly likely that your bank is in danger of imminent collapse.

If you can get through, but only to an automated message then again it's also highly likely that your bank is in danger of imminent collapse.

If a real person answers the phone, box clever, ask them things like did they watch Corrie last night, didn't Ronalado make a meal of that tackle, that sort of thing. If they haven't got a clue what you are talking about, then yes the last of your money has been blown on a lavish corporate lunch in the city.

If you can get through to a real person, who can answer all your questions simply & succinctly then you have probably got the wrong number, and yes your bank is about as secure as a strippers knickers on a stag night.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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