Written by p.doff
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Tags: gift

Saturday, 17 January 2009

Nothing says, "I wish you'd get trampled by a parade of gorillas" like giving someone a clapper.

There's only a few reasons someone of reasonable intelligence would buy someone a clapper:

- The person you're getting it for is too old to flip a light switch and you want to rub it in

- The person you're getting it for is too paralyzed to flip a light switch and you want to rub it in

- The person you're getting it for is much too fat to get off the couch and flip a light switch and you want to rub it in

- The person you're getting it for loves clapping and loves it even more when his/her/its clapping is accompanied by a light show

I know the clapper is an insanely awesome invention. I know it is one more device that will help you never have to get up off the couch, and laziness is catching. But come on. How pissed off would you be if your gift was a clapper? And that's just one. What if several of your relatives/friends are borderline retarded and love everything they see for sale on TV and you get many Clappers? What would you do with 8 Clappers? Probably get pretty fat. And I would know. Getting up to turn things on/off is pretty much the only exercise I get, next to kicking people. With a clapper I would probably finish up as a 500lb beanbag.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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