Written by P.M. Wortham
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Saturday, 17 January 2009

image for The Curious Case of Pietro Paisan Pietro Paisan's Paternity Lawyer

Growing up in a small town outside the city center of Florence, Pietro Paisan knew almost from birth, that he was destined for greatness. With a gift for the oratory and sculptured facial features, teenage Pietro found his way on Italian television as a mid-day soap opera star. The career was short lived however, as his playboy character was killed off my an enraged husband carrying a Bocce Ball home from his Thursday night league.

Looking for a more substantive career option, Pietro sold himself into the business world, despite a near total lack of business acumen. "Responsibility is for chumps and the lower classes", Pietro would often tell fellow diners while ordering a hundred dollar bottle of wine just for the effect, and sending his perfectly prepared meal back to the kitchen at the same time. Embarrassing really, when he was in someone's home.

As he grew older, it became harder to sell himself as the svelte and swaggering Matador he once was, but women still fell for his charms. "It is harder to close the deal these days", he would say, "but it's now a matter of percentages. If I ask ten, I can usually get three. Hey, I can live with that."

The luxury sports cars and high paying jobs gradually faded with age, while his belly grew in almost perfect unison. The hair was turning salt and pepper-ish, but it was still thick. "An advantage", he told himself, to others his age without any at all. He had been reduced to sporting around town in a Rabbit convertible, still terrorizing the singles bars and the micro breweries of his new home town, Omaha. Pietro's hit rate was falling to one in ten, but it made him try all the harder. Some desperate housewife or recent divorcée would fancy his "worldliness" and his taste for pricy wine, but only because it was "pricy", and she would fall victim to the curiosity, and then later, the false promise. "But hey, It was good for me." Pietro was say with an air of pomposity.

Pietro Paisan can be found most weekdays now from 8:00 AM to 5:00 PM, managing the Burger Queen at the corner of Heartbreak and Promise. His smile is just as bright though his cheeks puff out just a little more during the showing of teeth. He'll selectively offer a free "supersize" option to your combo meal, but only if you're wearing pumps and a skirt that falls well above the knees. Then again, once limited to a cheeseburger and fry combo for lunch, a guy who owns his own car and knows something about wine, starts to look pretty good. The curious case of Pietro Paisan will indeed live on.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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