Written by matwil
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Thursday, 15 January 2009

Today the American President and the President-elect had a final televised debate, shown on the Children's Soundbitten Channel.

'Senator Obama', the President said, 'let me first say firstly I congratulate you on your fine victory. You fought a good campaign, and I never misunderheard anything untoward in your speaking. Senator Obama, let me first - let me secondly say I, um, I know you will be a good President, just like Dad was. Heck, we can't all be good Presidents! And thirdly - let me finish! - and thirdly let me finish my third term with dignity and honor, as I know you will also will. The war on terror is winning, and we must never let our feet grow under the daisies in our constant global warring.'

And the Senator replied: 'Mr. President, people of America, Hi. Our serving armed forces are doing a mighty fine job, across what is now a smaller and more dangerous world. Our support is necessary to ensure that, no matter what happens, our support is assured for our armed forces across a very difficult time for us.'

'This is now. We are changing, things are changing, yep, change is now in our armed forces' hands in a global perceptive, one of change and possibilities. Twenty years ago I was waffling blandly and saying nothing. Ten years ago I was waffling even more blandness, and saying even less. Now I'm waffling so blandly and mouthing off soundbites that are so idiotic that George is falling asleep. Yes - he - is!'

'Huh? OK, Barry, where were we? Yeah. Hey! Why did this banking crisis have to happen on my watch? I've had enough to watch for eight years and then this goes and happens, just as I was starting to have fun playing soldiers with the troops.'

'But Senator Obama will heartily congratulate him on my victory in this great time for America, a time when you thought it was safe once again to buy arms shares. Only this morning I said 'Dad, only this morning I said 'Dad, only this morning I said 'Dad - delete, return, newline.''' President Orama will be the 43rd President of the United States of America, and he'll sure make a better 44th President than I was.'

'Thank you, Mr. President. You know, shucks, when I was a little boy I used to think that to be American President all you had to do was smile and wave, make meaningless one-line quotes, and ignore most of the real world, especially that part that every other human on the planet is talking about right now - yep, that's right, Sarah Palin's chest.'

'And I was right. Well, if Ronald Reagan can get elected anyone can - jeez, even Hillary Clinton's gonna be Secretary of State! The woman that imagines sniper fire and thinks Everest was climbed in the 1940s! And George getting elected too! No offense, George, but you're about as talented a politician as a tin of baked beans. Cut all this, OK?'

'Senator, if by saying this you're implying I've been about as useful to America as a half-eaten can of mashed-up beans, that makes lots of hot air noises and is totally artificial, I is. Isn't. Hell, well, let me just say this to you, Mr. Barry Whiteboy, the Grand Old Tea Party begins at four, and if I race you to it I'll get the first slice of Alice's turtle cakes!'

'Well, I cannot agree with your point of view, the recessionary measures are needed, governments must be made more responsible in their governing responsibilities. Our military has not been effectively deployed, and has needed a firm and new change of direction, and a change in its responsibilities in what are, I think you'll agree, difficult times we can overcome with certainty.'

'Barry, I haven't a clue what you've been talking about, but your wife's got a nice ass! Which of these doors is for me to leave through, and which is a locked closet? See ya, kids of America, gotta catch the bus back to Texas, to see Laurel and the kids are OK. Bye!', and the President walked into the ladies' toilets. 'He sure will be missed', one journalist sighed, then got ready for another snooze as Barack Obama began making another speech ...

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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