He does not have a beer gut - He has developed a liquid grain storage facility
He is not a bad dancer - He is overly Caucasian.
He does not get lost all the time - He investigates alternative destinations.
He is not balding - He is in follicle regression.
He does not act like a total ass - He develops a case of rectal-cranial inversion.
It's not his crack you see hanging out of his pants - it's rear cleavage.