Office of the President
January 10, 2009
TO: Barack Hussein Obama II
President United States of America
Hola me Amigo Barrio!
Forgive my informal address, but I feel we are brothers, even though I have never been friendly with a "darkman" before. But I feel our roots are from the same type of fertile backround, me from the slums of Caracas, you fighting and clawing your way up the political ladder from the slums of Chicago. Simpatico! And Boy, we both know how to steal an election, yes?
But now, we must talk, as you say, Turkey, No? I have worked diligently with your agents, Bill and Hillary...caramba...such cajones on the pair of them...in coordinating our oil manipulations with their contacts in Saudi and the UAE, causing such a economic panic that it certainly put you over the top in your recent glorious election victory! I fired 100 rounds from the palace balcony with my AK when I heard the news! Praise be your Name!
But now, Barrio, hombre, as they say the chicks have come home to roost! Dios Mio! The black gold is now at $30 a barrel, and I need $50 to sustain this utopia I live in...we are going, as you say, swiftly to the dogs, no?
I can not maintain my leadership of this freakin' country unless I can continue the $.12 petrol to my constituents and the Favorable Nation trade with my brothers in Cuba, Columbia and Bolivia!
I think, Barrio, Hombre, you may have taken this economic thing a little TOO far...do you realize your credit is so tight my brothers can't move any of their white powder into your country as all your dinero sources have dried up? They tell me money is as tight as Caroline Kennedy's ass...no shit, Barrio Bro!
I no want to ruin our budding relationship, Barrio, but already I hear talk that "some people" are referring to your Economic Plan as "Preparation H"...a real pain in the ASS!
And Barrio, don't worry about that Puta Putin! His ships are junk, they can't bail them out fast enough, and I had to tell them to move them out into the ocean so hey don't sink at the dock. And their submarines....well, just ask the Indians how that little deal went! No Barrio, I am riding the burro of the USA to get where I'm going! No Sweat, Bro!
So now comes the time, Barrio, Hombre, Amigo....for Payback, you know that old Chicago term, right? And Barrio, it won't cost YOU anything, but it will further cement our relationship as we forge our careers together...PRESIDENTS FOR A LIFETIME!
My representatives will be submitting a proposal next week to the World Bank and the United Nations for emergency funds for my suffering,starving country. All you have to do is have your representative, Oprah, back those plans, and also have your political action newspaper, The New York Times get behind it, and Voila! Hugo will be rich again! And, Barrio, no sweat....your taxpayers will never catch on. No one knows how much you give the UN and the World Bank, and they never tell anyone where it goes anyway! It's a WIN,WIN Amigo! We'll have that white powder flowing in no time, and all that violence in your barrios will calm down overnight! Barry the Peacemaker!
I have rambled on. Please tell my other Brothers Senor Wrangle and that ballsy Blago I have reserved some pristine beachfront for them down here. I know we can do some GOOD business together, no?
An so, Dios Mio, blessed be unto your house in the new year and I look forward to hearing from you next week with the good news of our financial partnership.
One last word of advice, Amigo, get rid of that bitch Pelosi....I had a wife like that once, and now she's even going to run AGAINST me in the next crooked election!