Written by Madame Bitters

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Monday, 12 January 2009

image for Twin Brother Goes Against the "Bros Before Hos" Code If Staci's mom looks similar to this woman, consider yourself fortunate. You got a MILF!

Dearest Madame Bitters,

I'm so upset with my twin brother and my girlfriend that I just don't know what to do! "Staci" and I have been going together since junior year of high school and she's the only girl I've ever loved. We're both 20 now and lately we've been talking about marriage. I thought everything was fine but three days ago she told me that she and my brother "Keith" have been have been sleeping together the entire time Staci and I have been together. Now Staci and Keith are going out. The two people I'm closest to in the world have betrayed me- with eachother. What should I do?

Heartbroken in Hoboken, NJ


It's never too early to learn the bitter dissapointment associated with love and family.

It will likely be a long time before you'll be able to trust anyone again. You've been hurt and this is to be expected. Do you know what might help you feel better, though?

Revenge Sex.

Staci needs to be taught a lesson (don't worry, we'll get to your brother in a bit) that she will never, ever forget.

You're going to have to fuck Staci's mom.

You may be asking yourself, why does it have to be her mother; why not her sister, friend, or cousin? I'll tell you why, smart guy: Staci cheated on you with your twin brother. That's low.

To beat Staci at her own game (and make no mistake, this is a game- a game that you'll win, dammnit) you must sink lower and do something more reprehensible. I'd say fucking Staci's mom would fit the bill.

The next time you see your ex, you need to sit her down and explain things, sort of like this:

YOU: Staci, you've ripped my heart out and kicked it around like a hackeysack. So I'm going to fuck your mom to even the score, okay?

STACI: Laughter

Make no mistake, she will laugh at you because she thinks you're speaking out of anger. But me, you and soon Staci's mom will know just how serious you are.

But, Madame Bitter's, I hear you asking, how can I get Staci's mom to have sex with me?. See how well I know you? Here's a three point plan:

1. Go to Staci's mom's house once in awhile at first and then more and more often. Be helpful and attentive. Make sure Staci sees all of this going on.

2. Staci will have told her mother by now that you're simply using her to get revenge. Staci's mom won't beleive it. She'll likely get angry that her daughter thinks that she can't attract a handsome young man (I'm going to assume you're handsome) without there being an ulterior motive. This will drive a wedge between the two. Use it to your advantage.

3. Continue with step 1, but take it up a notch. Confide to her how much you loved Staci and how badly she hurt you. Every so often pay her a little compliment (a sincere compliment if possible). You could even tell her that you've always had a little crush on her. If that's true, so much the better.

That's pretty much it.

If possible try to get Staci to walk in and catch you and her mom in the act. The next time you see Staci, suggest to her that she might be calling you 'daddy' someday.

Seducing Staci's mother will most likely be a long process. Be patient. The harder you work to get something, the more rewarding it is when it's finally yours.

When Staci finds out what's going on she's going to hate you. That's okay. Deep down beneath the hatred and anger she feels toward you, there will be respect.

What about brother Keith? I feel confident in stating that he and Staci won't last long. Now that you know what's going on, where's the excitement? It's no longer forbidden, therefore it's not fun anymore. I give them a month- six weeks, tops.

When Staci is no longer part of your lives, you can begin the guilt trip that, if you play your cards right, will last until one of you dies.

Nothing's off limits. Ask for money, blood, a kidney ,or anything else you can think of. If he balks, gently remind him how he ruined your life by stealing the only girl you ever loved.

Try to get other family members to shame him, too. Guilt is the common factor that evey family shares. Don't feel guilty for making your brother feel like the piece of shit that he is.

It's just not healthy.

-Madame Bitters

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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