It was reported today that the chum of chuckle, that lovable manager of laughs, your favorite southern sacred cow tipper, King David, has come out with this season's Christmas shopping list for your favorite redneck.
"I wanted to focus on the south this year," said David, "because I want the world to know what a special culture we have here. I also want to encourage literacy and self-reflective humor in this region. The southern people need an advocate."
Topping David's list for your favorite redneck is Burger King's new men's body spray, "Flame." "Flame" is a perfect gift for any bachelor redneck and will spice up a romance with only one application. Nothing beats the "scent of seduction with a hint of flame-broiled meat like Burger King's "Flame." Caution: Follow all warning labels for this product and never wear it to the zoo.
Second on the list is a gift for children, the Smithfield Farms pork processing plant figurine set now with new union representatives.
Let your children be a part of history as they feel what it's like to control workers and hogs in one of the largest pork processing plants in the world.
Control Hispanic figurines that work the conveyor belts bringing the dead hogs in from the slaughter house. Have them make the cuts time and time again over a 12-hour shift. Be the African American in the slaughter house corralling the hogs into gas chambers, or blowing their brains out at $12.00 an hour. Feel the power and exhilaration of what it's like to have your own cushy office and be on the plant's all white management team. Experience the ultimate thrill as a union representative confronting the plant's management for a bathroom break violation. He a hero bargaining for higher wages and more frequent bathroom breaks at a hog plant processing over 35,000 hogs a day!
Smithfield pork processing plant and company lawyers sold separately.
Next, don't lose valuable venison, or other wild game in your freezer to a power outage this winter while you're waiting for the government to declare your region a Federal disaster area. Always keep your beer cold and ready for guests and relatives dropping in to show you their catch or what they shot. No home is complete without the solar-powered electricity generator.
Many Hispanics this year are feeling the pinch of a bad economy and going home. Help them get there in style. Give them a ticket on American Spread Eagle. American Spread Eagle flies almost anywhere in the world.
Great redneck stocking stuffers on The King's list include The King's pocket guide to better retirement homes in the South and paint-ball recreational facilities, a pocket respirator for driving through factory towns, behind chicken trucks and with family members eating Hardees fast food, women and men's Bar-b-que body wash and Bar-b-que flavored thongs and panties, gift certificates to Wal-mart, Hardees and K-Mart, copies of the movie, "Deliverance" and The King's collection of truly southern Christmas music.
Here are just some of the songs featured:
Molly the Blue Tick Coon Dog
Oh Little Town of Birmingham
Joy to the South
Deck the Trailer Park (with cans of Budweiser)
The First Deer
Do You Smell What I Smell
Grandma Got Run Over By a Caterpillar
Ooooo! The Blue-Tick Hound Dogs Howl
Here Comes My Dodge
I Saw Three Bucks
It's Beginning to Look A Lot Like A Junkyard
Oh Come All Ye Rebates
The Little Flag Man
The 12 Days of Layoffs
We Three Luddites
What Biscuit Is This?
Oh, Holy 12 Gauge
I'll Be Home To Kick Your Ass
Mount Yourself A Sturdy Little Gun Rack
Go Set It On The Deer Stand
and Grandma Got Run Over By A Ford
All panties and thongs come in plus sizes and feature bar-b-que mild, medium and spicy hot flavors and are made with lots of sugar and without organic ingredients.
Another favorite gift this year for the southern consumer is the game, "Contractor." "Contractor" puts you in the driver's seat of what it's like to run a modern day jobsite. Be the coordinator of dozens of other contactors as they fight tooth and nail to out bid the other for sub-contracts and get their jobs done before deadline.
Experience what it's like to be in control and supervise all phases development, the electricians, the plumbers, the carpenters, the painters. Whether it is a new housing development that will only sell a small percentage of its houses and go belly up, or a new municipal facility backed by local taxpayer bonds, be in on the action.
The game, "Contractor" comes complete with authentic Spanish phrases spoken in a native accent, so that you can communicate with 95% of your employees.
Another great gift idea for the fat redneck on your list is to give them a sidewalk. Sidewalks are nice and come in all shapes and sizes. No redneck or southern community should be without one.
And finally, the last item on the King's shopping list for the southern consumer is a gift that we hope will be needed this year, driving lessons for how to drive in the snow.