My fellow Americans,
As I approach the end of my presidency I want to sum up my achievements and outline my legacy that will allow everyone's favourite black Irishman Barack to continue my good work next year. In 2009, I will be teeing it up at Augusta, assuming those pesky Ruskies have left, and I don't want to be worrying unnecessarily.
The first element of my legacy is that I have shown that Global Warming is not causing the melting of the Arctic ice. As you know my fellow Americans terrorism is really the cause.
Using industrial strength hot-air blowers, the terrorists have shrunk the ice-floes, the terrorists have melted the igloos, the terrorists have weakened the ice holes where the Eskimos go fishing, and the terrorists have ensured the polar bears are running short of food.
We have evidence of the evildoers who performed these acts of terror. A patriotic oil-prospector saw a tall man, with a large black beard, flecked with grey, moving away from a melting ice-floe. The evildoer was wearing a white bed sheet and white turban, evidence, if any were needed, of the evildoer's intentions to blend in with his surroundings and remain undetected. The evildoer was carrying what looked like a large hair dryer and a pack of eight batteries. This evildoer will not escape the clutches of America's finest troops. Every snow cave will be searched, every igloo inspected to ensure the evildoer's capture. It's my intention to populate the Arctic with gold miners, oil rig workers, and pipeline builders, so that we Americans can spot terrorists before they strike at our interests in Canada, Denmark, and Norway.
Another legacy is that we have introduced a system so that we can monitor the airwaves for information about Evildoers and Terrorists; in fact anyone who has unpatriotic feelings about our great country. It has been called snooping, it has been called eavesdropping, and it has been called an invasion of people's privacy. It is none of these things my fellow, patriotic Americans, it is none of these things.
We have Evildoers living amongst us who believe that the America we know and love should be replaced with an America that has universal health care for all, that has freedom of religious belief only if you are Muslim, that has a communist economic outlook and that has an army which stays at home and doesn't ever travel abroad to increase its effectiveness and to gain valuable experience and information about its tactics, weapons, and soldiers. These Evildoers live amongst us and we need to find them. These people phone each other and these people e-mail each other. Their communications identify them as Evildoers and Terrorists who must be apprehended. These people sometimes use coded messages to exchange information. We have identified some of their methods and messages, and I will give you an example, just to show how apparently innocent messages contain details of evil intentions, evil deeds, and the thoughts of the Evildoers. "I am going to pick up the children from school and then go to Wal-Mart to do the shopping" really means "I have the suitcase containing the nuclear bomb in my SUV and I will deliver this bomb and the rocket-launchers to the back-door of the mosque at midnight on Wednesday." Information like this is invaluable in the War against the Evildoers. We need more information like this to prevent another 9/11.
To win our War against the Evildoers, this most American of all wars, we need to monitor the phone calls and e-mails of the Evildoers. These Evildoers come in all shapes, sizes, colours and ages my fellow, patriotic Americans. In our great country, with freedom of speech for all, we can't just confine our monitoring to known troublemakers. Some Evildoers are not known to us, but we know they exist, we just have to identify them. Our monitoring is the best and most effective way of doing this. We know this concerns you my fellow, patriotic Americans, we know this concerns you greatly. In fact, 5,349,492 of you mentioned it in your phone conversations on July 14th, 2008: 423,983 in Maryland alone. 873,932 Americans sent e-mails on this subject to each other on the same day, mostly on the East and West coasts of our great country. Mr Jones of 8633 Acacia Avenue, French Lick, Indiana you have no need to worry; Miss Smythe of Pittsburgh PA, you have no need to be concerned; and Mrs Gonzalez of El Nino Street, Santa Fe, New Mexico, don't be frightened that your dog will be run over by a Ford truck containing a terrorist with evil deeds in mind. We are monitoring all your communications to prevent the terrorists striking again. Don't worry about your private information being circulated to people who might use this information against you! What could my administration, the CIA, the FBI, the NSA, the IRS, the Pentagon, the Senate, the Congress, the Marines, the US Army, the US Navy and the US Air Force do with your personal information? The answer is nothing at all my fellow, patriotic Americans, nothing at all.
My fellow, patriotic Americans, you can help us in our War against the Evildoers. If you see a suspicious act of potential terrorism when you are looking through your front window, you won't have to phone 911 and ask for the police. Now, all you will have to do is phone a friend, any friend at all, and say the words "I see a potential terrorist at work." Right away, the Marines will be dispatched to the scene. There is no need to give your name and your address, as we have that information already, so the Marines will be there within seconds to apprehend the suspects before they do harm to our great country.
Finally, all I have ever wanted is for America to be best friends with all countries and I have an idea to bring this about. If a country wants to be best friends with the USA, they will have to change their name to my suggested name and then we will know their intentions are best friendly. This idea has been been submitted to the countries involved and will be implemented in the next few years, thus prolonging my legacy to the world.
In the thin bit below Mexico, each country will start with the letters CIA and then be allocated a number from 1 to 6, depending on how close to the USA they are, so for example Costa Rica will become CIA6.
Panama will become CIGARLAND, and Columbia will become DRUGLAND. Venezuela will become ALLENDE1, Brazil ALLENDE2, Argentina ALLENDE3, and Bolivia ALLENDE4, in honour of the late president of the country of Chile, which will now be called ALLENDE5; in other words, if these countries don't change their ways real soon, their presidents will be committing suicide in the near future. The country run by the dictator Castro, the non-hairy version, will change its name to LINEUPSHEEPNOISE, which has been the country's code name here at the White House for 7.5 years. Dick Cheney, my VP explained it to me this way: "Just remember it like this George, QUEUE is a British LINE UP and BAA is the NOISE a SHEEP makes most of the time, so instead of QUEUEBAA the code is LINEUPSHEEPNOISE." As you can see folks, Dick has done a great job explaining the finer points of foreign policy to me, when he hasn't been shooting people accidentally.
In Europe, the countries are so small that the names don't fit into their shapes and I can't read them on my map. I will solve this problem at a stroke, by calling them all YUP. I told my brother Jeb this and he said "Don't forget Switzerland George that is where some of your money is". I found the land of the Switzers in the middle of YUP, so for now the Switzers can have their own name, but I will place a call to my good friend Bob Zoellick and get my money out of there as soon as possible. Bob is doing a great job at the World Bank, making sure those tellers don't steal any money from their cash drawers at the end of the day.
China will change its name to TAEK, which stands for The Axes of Evel Knievel. Only the Chinese people themselves can take that great leap away from Communism, over the Grand Canyon of change and land in the land of the free and as long as that land of the free isn't Taiwan, everything will be just fine and dandy.
Afghanistan will become ASTAN, Pakistan will become PSTAN and India will become NOT PSTAN. The other countries in the area that have the word STAN in their names will now be called The 5 STANS. North Korea will become NOCAREER, which is what their Dear Leader will have, if he doesn't stop trying to build weapons of mass destruction.
ISRAEL and PALESTINE will not be on my road map any longer. These two nations have come to a fork in the road and only they can decide what to do next. My advice is that when I came to a fork in the road in my life, I picked up that fork and ate my lunch with it.