HOLLYWOOD, California - TV Hills & Valleys, the noted televison publication in it's latest issue presented a capsule view of three of this year's top television show's Christmas episodes.
TWO AND A HALF MEN - Charlie and Alan get drunk on three bottles of holiday spirits. They call a taxi and take Alan's young son, Jake to a tattoo parlor where he gets a tattoo on his left upper arm that reads: 'The USA's Future Gold Medal Winner In The Stud Category.'
Later on Rose catches her male fantasy Charlie in bed with his brother Alan's ex-wife Judith. Rose becomes so angry that she runs to the kitchen and returns with a box of Aunt Jemina Pancake Mix.
Charlie runs and hides in the bathroom while Rose proceeds to pour the entire contents of the box all over the naked Judith managing to cover all of her crotch area from her bikini line on down to her...(holiday ornament).
Then we see Berta, Charlie's housekeeper making holiday cookies that look amazingly like Charlie and Alan's mother Evelyn's ass.
A little later Berta comes out of the closet...ah make that kitchen and announces to everyone that she and Evelyn have been having a secret torrid lesbian affair for three years and that they have decided to fly to Massachusetts and get married before the end of the year.
Evelyn faints. Charlie runs to the bathroom covering his mouth. Alan runs out on the beach deck covering his mouth. Rose kicks Judith in her G-spot. Traci gives Berta a high five and a fist bump. And Jake gobbles up every last one of Berta's holiday cookies.
MY NAME IS EARL - Earl falls for motel maid Catalina, after she gives him 300 motel mini-soaps for his birthday.
Meanwhile Randy accompanies Earl's ex-wife Joy to The Annual Christmas Season Apple-Bob Festival. And while Randy is down on his hands and knees bobing for apples, Joy is down on her hands and knees bobing for Randy.
Meanwhile Joy's husband, the African-American Darnell meets Snoop Dogg at a Taco Bell and he convinces him to hear him sing a song that he wrote called, 'Hey Bro, Don't You Be Disrespectin' Me 'Cause I Be One Big Mean Crazy-Ass Ghettotech Rappin' Hip Hoppin' MoFo, SOB, RSVP Funkmaster.'
Snoop Dogg tells Darnell that he not only likes the song and wants to record it, but that he also wants Darnell to sing back-up vocals on it.
THE NEW ADVENTURES OF OLD CHRISTINE - (Old) Christine falls for a department store Santa Claus after he rescues her from the clutches of a very obnoxious male sales clerk who was insisting that Christine buy some red and green thermal underwear.
Later, Matthew, (old) Christine's brother confides to her that he has a secret crush on (new) Christine, who is (old) Christine's ex-husband Richard's new girlfriend.
Matthew says that he has been attracted to (new) Christine ever since she accidentally rubbed his groin with a loaf of bread while she was putting groceries away during their family Labor Day backyard picnic.
Meanwhile, Barb, (old) Christine's friend (and actually wife since they were married at the start of the 2008 season) meets an NBA player at a carwash and she immediately moves into his $2.7 million condo.
But she quickly learns that he was not interested in her in a physical or sexual way, it was more in a housecleaning, and laundry-doing way.
Ritchie, (old) Christine and Richard's son dresses up as Dasher one of Santa's reindeer and doesn't really do anything on the Christmas episode. Which is kind of exactly what he does in every show's episode.
Marly and Lindsay, the elementary school blonde queen bees who think they are better than (old) Christine are stopped by police at a stop light on account of a burned out tail light.
When the police do a search of the car they find 10,000 pounds of cocaine hidden in the tire well of their 2009 Mitsubishi SUV. They are arrested and taken into custody but are soon released on some kind of racial technicality.