Written by Abel Rodriguez

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Monday, 6 April 2009

image for The 2009 Canadian Country Music Coalition Awards The Gramophone Award, named after legendary harmonica player Genevieve Gramophone.

QUEBEC, Canada - Shania Twain and Neil Young hosted the 2009 Canadian Country Music Coalition Award Show. The annual event was held at The Abominable Snowman Coliseum in downtown Quebec. Following are the various awards and the winners:

The Vocal Duo Award - This award was won by Pierre & Pierre Jr. The father and son duo from Montreal had two number one songs this year, "Her Bikini Line Sure Did Make One Hell Of An Impression On Me" and "Mmmm-Mmmm."

Pierre is 34 and Pierre Jr. is 18. Father and son are dating the astoundingly beautiful 19-year-old twins, Magnolia Sue and Magenta Sue Lickspigot. Magnolia Sue is bi-sexual and Magenta Sue is bi-polar but they're both damn good cooks.

The Single of The Year Award - This award went to the song, "I Mushed And Mushed My Dog Sled Right Up To The Front Door Of Her Heart." by Jacques & The Hockey Puck Boys.

Jacques thanked 149 people and closed by saying, 'and I still cannot believe it, just 12 months ago I was working as a temp in the igloo remodeling business and look at me now...I can finally afford to buy that snow plow that I've always dreamed about.

The New Artist Award - This honor went to the ex-Winnipeg Hooter's Girl, Maple Leaf Mabel whose first single was "I Met Her At The Klondike Bar Where Ice Creamed Her.'

After thanking her agent and fans Mabel told the audience that she wanted to take the time to talk about the vicious rumors that have been circulating throughout the country about her being a lesbian.

Mabel said, "I want all of Canada and those Canadians watching this telecast aboard the Canadian aircraft carrier, the CS First Lady Margaret Trudeau out in the Sea of Alaska on nautical war game manuevers to know that I am not a lesbian.

Now, yes it is a fact that my girlfriend, Erica is definitely a lesbian, and a flaming lesbian at that, but I am not. I like sewing, and shopping. And I also like having guys touch my private parts, in private of course. So hopefully this will clear up those lesbian rumors once and for all."

The Vocal Band Award - This was presented to Igloo Iggy & The Eskimo Diet Ice Band. 2008 was not a good year for Iggy stemming back to the bank robbery charges back in March, the counterfeiting conviction in October, and the kidnap attempt on Shania Twain on Christmas Eve.

The Female Vocalist Award - This award went to Trudy Jo Drillhaufer whose single "It Was So Gosh Darn Cold Last Night That I'm Really Surprised That My G-Spot Didn't Freeze." Trudy dedicated the award to her ex-husband, her ex-mother-in-law, her ex-sister-in-law, and her X-Factor.

The Songwriter(s) Award - This award was given to the husband and wife songwriting team of Rufus and Margo Butterfield. Throughout the years, the Butterfields have written 17 top ten songs for artists such as BiPolar Bear Betty, Dog Sled Sal & The Labrador Retrievers, and Eskimo Ellen & The Frozen Hormones.

The Male Vocalist Award - The winner in this category was Arctic Art Aberdeen whose album, "Eskimos Don't French Kiss For A Damn Good Reason" stayed at number one for four straight weeks. Art thanked his mom and dad, his brothers and sisters, his manager, his agent, his band, and his four Mormon wives, Sue, Tru, Drew, and Fernandina.

The Album of The Year - The album which captured the coveted album of the year award was "I Bought My Girl A Reindeer For Her Birthday, But She Said She Would Have Prefered Some Underwear."

The album was by The Canadian Unmounted Police Band. The band will be embarking on a 26-city concert tour in Iraq, but in the interest of safety they will be performing under the name, The Iraqi National Taliban & Al-Qaida Rock & Roll Band.

The Music Video of The Year Award - This special award went to The Yukon Yodelers who actually spent over two weeks up in the frozen North Pole filming the video to their hit song, "She Got All Bent Out Of Shape Because I Was Yodeling When I Should Have Been Canoodling."

The band's Lead singer, Ethan Underwood accepted the award on behalf of the other three members of the band who are all still in the hospital recovering from first-degree frost bite.

The Musician of The Year Award - This award was presented to Sterling Ginmaker, a bass guitar player who just in 2008 alone played on over 27 albums from artists like Snowmobile Bill, The Terrible Tundra Trio, Maple Leaf Mabel, and Kodiak Dick & The Dog Sled Bitches.

Ginmaker likes to brag that he and Sarah Palin are close second cousins. Palin remarked from her front porch in Wasilla, Alaska that Sterling wet the bed up until the age of 29.

The Music Event of The Year - The music event of the year award went to the outdoor concert in Saskatoon, Saskatchewan that the all-female band, The Wilderness Walrus Women performed at in which the temperature was minus 3, with a windchill factor of minus 19.

Tiffani Strapowitz, lead singer for the wilderness Walrus Women took the time to dispel The National Enquirer rumor that she was having Lindsay Lohan's baby.

The Entertainer of The Year - The entertainer of the year award was presented to Mustafa 'Snowballs' Saxton who in the past 365 days had performed at 364 concerts. The only day he missed was when he had to report to the Calgary Crotch and Groin Clinic to take three paternity tests.

(EDITOR'S NOTE: Canadian born performers Celine Dion, Shania Twain, and Neil Young are collecting signatures for a petition to make Canada the 51st state. To sign the petition you can go to www.whitesnowpetition.com.)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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