Written by Aspartame Boy
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Thursday, 18 December 2008

Write Uncle Aspartame if aspartame is giving you any problems in YOUR life. We cannot reply to all letters, but if you are special, we just might reply AND publish your letter here!


Dear Uncle Aspartame,

I am trying to increase my aspartame intake per the new FDA recommendations, but I keep getting blisters. What can I do?

Blistered, at the South Pole


Dear Blistered,

Sorry to hear you are having trouble increasing your aspartame intake. I know you don't want to lose your job by failing the new mandatory aspartame blood level test, so here is what you can try:

Try getting some fresh aspartame. You know it breaks down into really nasty crap that will turn you into a preserved lab specimen if you let it. I know it's tough at the South Pole getting fresh aspartame. Try keeping it out in the snow, also too. It might keep the ants away! (Just kidding).

Also, try taking the aspartame orally.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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