CRAWFORD, Texas - President George Bush spent two days at his 'Lazy Bar B Arrogant Longhorn Ranch' in Texas. And he had quite an inside story to tell the assembled media.
Bush told reporters exactly what he plans to do once he leaves office in January.
"Guys and gals," he said as he held a Big Red soda in one hand and a salsa-laden chip in the other, "First of all let me say that I hope y'all are enjoying the fajita tacos and the frijoles borachos (drunken beans). It's been a while since I've been able to relax and barbecue...I sure have missed it a lot.
"Now, I just want y'all to know that between now and January 20, 2009, that this old country boy ain't gonna be invading any more countries.
"I have decided that it is just not worth all of the complaining, belly aching, crying, and whining that I have to put up with...and that's just from Laura and the twins. (rimshot).
"But what I will be doing is this. And yes it is kind of a secret, but hell, y'all are like family to me now. For the last four weeks, I have been meeting with some of my nearest and dearest Texas friends in the 'Millard Fillmore Meeting Room' over at the Casa Blanca (White House).
"And me and the fellas have been secretly discussing the plans for a covert operation that I have personally named, 'The Private Citizen George W. Bush and His Good Old Texas Boys Attack on The Spineless Scum-Sucking Somalian Pirates.'
"Now, since I am the only one in my group with any presidential experience it is only natural that I step up to the plate and name myself the leader.
"But let me say that I am being ably assisted by some pretty good old guys. Lifelong friends of mine like the Bittquist brothers, Bubba and Tucker; Cletus Breckenridge, owner of The Breckenridge Tubal Ligation Clinic in downtown Crawford.
"Dr. Blanchard Doubleday, who has been Laura's gynecologist for 15 years and probably knows her just about as good as I do. My amigo numero uno (number one friend) Paco Cuevas, who has been my ranch foreman for twenty years; and Woodrow Butterfield, president of The Butterfield Cattle Branding & Denuting Services Company.
"And let me say that I have known all of these fellas since my high school days back when I was the varsity backup punter at Billy The Kid High School.
"Now, before I go any further, I just want to say that the reason that I am launching this covert operation, which I have code named, 'Operation Buc,' is because I gave my word to the Somalian people that I would rid this earth of that scourge of the high seas Maxamed 'Jolly Roger' Cilantro and his band of psychotic heathen buccaneers.
"And that is my goal. That is my New Year's resolution for 2009. Now it is true that an operation of this magnitude requires a lot of people, planning, manipulating, coordinating, and dinero (money).
"Well, I've certainly got the people and everything else that goes along with it. The only little stumbling block, or speed bump in the road, if you will was the money part.
"But after a few perfectly placed phone calls, I am glad to say that all the money that I requested has already been donated and deposited in a special fund that I opened up at The First State Rural Bank in Crawford, Texas
"Now, I am not going to try and hide anything or put myself in a position where someone is going to question the integrity, sincerity, or legality of my operation.
"So having said that, I will now reveal exactly from whom the money for 'Operation Buc' came from and how much:
- Exxon-Mobil - $9,000,000
- Conoco-Phillips - $5,000,000
- Texaco-Chevron - $4,000,000
- Shell - $2,000,000
- The Bittquist Brothers - $1,000,000
- Petroleos Mexicanos (PeMex) - $8,000
- The Pittsburgh Pirates - $7,000
- McDonald's - $6,000
- Miley Cyrus - $3,000
- The Tampa Bay Buccaneers - $1,000
- Todd & Sarah Palin - $100
- The Dixie Chicks - $15
- Mr. & Mrs. Abel Rodriguez - $3
- TOTAL: $21,025,118
"I would also like to publicly thank the Republic of Mexico and namely President Nacho Winslow and Vice-President Don Juan Jose Joaquin de los Jalapenos-Fernandez-Pico de Gallo-Hernandez-Como Se Llama-Rodriguez for graciously agreeing to lend me the use of their battleship, The MS Montezuma's Revenge.
"I do have to say that President-elect Barack Alabama was going to let me borrow The USS Montana. But after both of us learned of the tremendous amount of red tape that would have been involved, not to mention one hell of a deposit, I just decided to look south of the border to my Latino amigos (friends).
"So if everything goes as planned, 'Operation Buc' will begin at 6 am on Wednesday, January 21, 2009 and hopefully it should end within 24 hours.
"Now, before I go inside and take my usual afternoon nap, let me just answer a question that I have been asked at least three times today.
"Wolf, Anderson, and Greta have all asked me what I am going to do with the Somalian pirate prisoners. And let me be very clear on this. When I lead my friends into 'Operation Buc' I will be doing so as George W. Bush - private citizen.
"I will be out on the high seas. So there really aren't a whole lot of piss ant rules that I will have to abide by, not that I ever gave a damn about abiding by rules anyway.
"So, let me say this...and I am only gonna say it one time. Any and all Somalian pirates that I capture will be handcuffed, blindfolded, chained to bowling balls, and thrown into the Indian Ocean personally by me.
"And if anyone here has any problem with that, then I suggest that you put down your fajita taco, your bowl of drunken beans, your beer and or Big Red and get the hell off of my ranch mucho pronto (real quick).
"Thank you all very much. My name is George W. Bush, and I approve of this message."
In a related story. The Mogadishu Morning Mirror is reporting that Maxamed 'Jolly Roger' Cilantro's stunningly beautiful wife Joy, 27, is secretly working as a Hooter's Girl in Pensacola, Florida. She is using the alias, Felicity Paprika.