'My fellow Himalayans, it is with great pride that I pause and wave sincerely, Mister President, then continue reading the autocow. The war on terror will not end by your leaving Iraq with dignity and courage, it will end by me leaving with dignity and curried egg, egg on my faces.'
'I said to Condolia Rice last week: 'Condi, sugar, if Americans haven't won the war in Iraq, ain't that the same as losing?' 'No', she said, patting me on the head, 'run away and play in a minefield or something, and leave us grown-ups to run the world!' She sure as hell is funny, as funny as the joke about the American tanks with only one gear - reverse!'
And to a stony silence at this, he continued: 'When I served my country valiantly and braverly, by not shooting myself in the foots after I ran away in my jet after 1/91, Ah thought to myself 'George, you're a babbling disgrace to the great nation of the United States of America, you don't even realise what you're reading. An inbred, brain-damaged chimpanzee would make a better President than you', and I heartily agreeably disagree.'
And as sniggers broke out from the troops he was reviewing, he added: 'Freedom and democracy have been at steak and fries, my fellows of Armenia, and hold the ketchup and mayo. Presidency Bram O'Stoker will soon be taking over at the Whiter House, and let there be no jokes about it rhyming with a Scotch outside toiletry, or even jokes about cretins muddling up Scots with Scotchers.'
'Wait for a - wait for app - dang it, wait for apples? I ain't eating any limey horsheeeeit food, ya heah? We didn't declare Independency from the Britties to eat apples and such garbles. So, my fellow Pelicanians, if this autocue said 'do a Michael Jackson moonwalk while juggling 3 applausles and singing 'I Am The Walrus'' you'd do it, you moron. Thank you very.'
In the Pentagon, American chiefs of staff were just sitting there in disbelief at this speech, until one said: 'Well, Obama may not be the type of right-winger we'd have wanted, but sheez, after this clown ...', although in Tel-Aviv Israeli chiefs were not so pleased. 'Maybe the Senator will stop sending us millions of American taxes for no reason', General Kidz Rmltary Trgetz Ben Gaza commented.