This will be my last e-mail from the University Of Oregon. As I walk around this dreary, dark campus, I have transcribed segments of a monologue that took place in my head:
Good-bye university. Good-bye elitist higher education. Good-bye snobby egotistical self-motivated professors who spout endless babble in their monotonous, overly rehearsed dialogue. How many times do I have to hear of the evils of capitalism and the constant threat of, well, success?
Good-bye miserable restaurants, whose organic food leaves one with a sour taste, and stagnant bowels. Good-bye moronic Eugene drivers, whose 15 mph speed makes one want to sideswipe them off the Ferry Street Bridge. Do their brains function as slowly as their 1981 Volkswagen buses?
Good-bye senseless protesters, whose annoying voices are heard from near and far protesting the use of pesticides, the clothing of Nike, and the scary effects of neon lights. Important causes, right?
Good-bye UO Bookstore, whose sweatshirt section is in large, X-large, and XXX-large, and whose clothing styles are reminiscent of a 1979 computer fashion show. Good-bye university emblem, Daisy Duck, whose character inspires peace, happiness, and a losing season in all sports imaginable.
Good-bye to the students of Oregon, whose back-country, narrow-minded and macho attitudes will serve them well in their cubicles at Intel. Good-bye fraternity boys, whose Abercrombie and Fitch, cheap beer, and moronic shouts I will no longer have to hear. Why does every sentence they say have to begin with the word "man," and end with "yeah, dude"?
Good-bye university, welcome real world, a world of relaxation, legitimate social interaction and respect... Wait a minute, I have to get a job? When is the deadline for the UO graduate school applications?