The so-called self-styled self parodying Peter Pan of pop, Sir Cliff Richard told Spoof reporters about four days ago (we don't remember exactly as we were a bit bladdered at the time. All the time come to think of it. Ban Happy Hours and cheap supermarket beer, that's what we -hic - say)
Where were we?
Anyway, Sir Cliff told us that it tickled him pink that his sexuality had been speculated over for decades by the media.
Gay? Straight? Gay? Straight?
So where was the story in all this? We asked.
'There are things which I will take to the grave with me and never reveal,' Sir Enigmatic said Cliffily.
'What,' we asked. 'You mean like David Nixon?'*
'None of your business,' Richard said, tapping his nose with his index finger.
At this point we repaired to the bar for another round and a tactical discussion.
The conclusion of which was that none of us really gave a shit whether Cliff was homo, hetero, bi, or bestial. We concluded that the image of his face contorted in the throes of sexual ecstasy over a grunting Sue Barker** hardly constituted good, solid, saleable copy so we told him to 'Fuck off' in no uncertain terms.
So that we could continue to drink like hyenas, unimpeded by has-been pop Peter Pans, or any other loser for that matter.
There'll be no more on this as we get it.
Because you people are our bestest mates.
And we'd die for you guys.
But not Cliff.
*David Nixon - 1960's baldy TV magician. Probably dead now.
**Sue Barker - Question Of Sport Presenter and one time tennis loser. Especially at Wombledom. The female Tim Henman of her error. (sorry era)