Written by Andy Lam
Rating:

Share/Bookmark
Print this

Friday, 25 June 2004

Naturism, the concept of doffing one’s clothing and experiencing life as our Creator intended, has always appealed to me, and on many occasions I have even become what one might call a “closet nudist.” Before and after showers, when dressing or undressing and in certain other unmentionable situations, I am sometimes to be found wholly unclad. While this may shock and disappoint some, let me tell you it is a liberating feeling and one that I would like to experience more often.


As is so often the case though, there is a rub but I think I have licked one of the most pressing problems on naturism and wanted to share my truly exciting idea with the world.


I, like so many men of action, am loaded down with gear. I have a telephone; a walkie-talkie; an aldis lamp; a telescope; a wallet; a camera; a set of commemorative thimbles from the 1968 World’s Fair in San Antonio; keys to my homes, lab, cars and helicopter; and lots and lots of money. There are many other things that I carry too depending on my mission – rope; knives; silly putty; salt; nails; a harpoon gun; a nerf football; etc.


As you can imagine, keeping these items (and more) on my person at all times requires plenty of pockets. Typically, being nude means not having any pockets and this has been the roadblock to my fiber-free bliss. But lend and ear and prepared to get undressed:


Consider the pocket. It is simply a pouch for holding objects. I looked to nature to see if I could discover any prior art that I might be able to apply to the human body. My search took me all over the world and ended in the mysterious “Land Down Under” – Australia. In Australia they have an animal called the KANGAROO. These animals have a pouch permanently affixed to the fronts of their bodies. I acquired several of these beasts and brought them back to the LAM LAB for observation and study.


After a few weeks’ research and development, I hit the jackpot. The ANDY LAM Second Skin™. This exciting new product consists of a sheet of latex and a strong, non-water-soluble adhesive (trust me on that one!). I created several prototypes in various sizes and colors. To achieve my goal, I simply cut the latex into the appropriate size and shape, applied adhesive to three edges (this is important – if you put it on all FOUR sides it is difficult to access), and affixed it to my skin (with the NON-STICKY side up).


My development phased started modestly. Once nude, I attached a small Second Skin™ to my right gluteus maximus – in approximately the location of the back pocket on many trousers. Next I inserted my wallet carefully (once I was certain the adhesive had dried). Finally, I left my home and walked to a local camera shop. People were clearly impressed by my cleverness – pointing and hooting as I walked past them on the street. Once I arrived at my destination (which is less than three miles from my home), I selected a package of flash bulbs for one of my cameras.


Boy, were the clerks amazed as I approached the counter and pulled out my wallet. Speechless, they rang up my order and started to put the flash cubes in a bag. “No, no,” I said, “I have no need for your puny sack. I have ANDY LAM’S Second Skin™ and quickly placed the flashbulbs in another Second Skin™ affixed to my left thigh. Turning happily on my bare heels, I left the store for my walk home.


Before I reached home though, I realized my whistle needed a wetting and so stopped at a favorite watering hole. It is a place where everyone knows me and where I’ve become something of a fixture. This time though, the reaction of the other patrons was unlike anything I’d ever experienced. People were looking at me funny and seemed to have trouble making eye-contact. I suddenly realized that they must have seen the flash bulbs peeking out of the top of my ANDY LAM Second Skin™ and so quickly explained that I was OK and that they didn’t need to worry. They still seemed uncomfortable so I finished my strawberry daiquiri and headed home – my mission a complete success.

Since then, I have lived the life God intended, not letting clothes get between me and the world I love so well – all thanks to my ingenious ANDY LAM Second Skin™. I go nude to movies, restaurants, shopping centers, book stores, workshops, farms, schools, churches (where I am often in great demand as a guest minister), hair salons and much, much more.

I encourage you all to consider this approach to a freer lifestyle. It is a akin to having one's cake and eating it too!

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!
Print this

More by this writer

View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story

Related Stories...


Share/Bookmark

58 readers are online right now!

Go to top