Written by Monkey Woods
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Wednesday, 15 January 2014

image for A Treehouse: How To Make One When you're done, invite some bitches up there to 'have a look'

Ever thought you'd like to live the outdoor life?

Ever wondered what it would be like to live under the stars?

Ever considered building a treehouse?

Good, I hoped you say that! I've never built one, or even been in one, but how hard could it be?

The first thing, I imagine, that you need to build a treehouse, is a tree. Without one, the idea just won't work. I was going to say "the project will never get off the ground", but that would have been too obvious, so I won't bother.

After you have selected a suitable tree, ask your Dad for some old bits of wood, a hammer and some nails. You might also need a saw to cut down some branches that are in the way, and for this, you'd also better get some ladders. Make sure the ladders conform to British Safety Standards, and have the 'Kite Mark' logo on them. This won't help you in the event of a fall, but your parents will be able to claim on the Life Insurance more easily if the logo is clearly visible.

Look for somewhere to put the base of your treehouse. Try to make it as flat as possible, and for this you might need a spirit level. Don't worry if it's not exactly level. Next, hammer some walls onto the base. These will stop you falling out of the tree if it gets windy, or if you decide to have a quick wank over the girl in the garden next door.

A roof is the next step, and if you can get a piece of wood big enough, use that. Otherwise, use a piece of plastic sheeting - you may find some of this covering your next-door-neighbour's tomatoes. Don't worry - they're only tomatoes.

Next, you need some 'furniture', or something to sit on. Newspapers will do, if you can't easily rob the cushions from your living room.

The only thing you now need, is some of your old man's mucky books to pore over, in those long hours until darkness, when all of your neighbours start getting undressed and ready for bed. Binoculars are good for this part of the plan, but not absolutely essential if you have good eyesight.

So, there you have it! A suitable and worthwhile project for all young boys who have an excess of energy and nothing else to occupy their minds during the summer holidays, or for those dole-wallers who are fed up of hanging out on street corners until Giroday.

Good luck!

You're going to need it.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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