ATHENS, GREECE - Archaeologists have uncovered remarkable texts on an, until now, unknown hero in Greek mythology.
This new Greek hero will now join the Pantheon, to stand beside what appears to be his friend, Hercules.
The myth, reprinted in English to aid in the reading comprehension, is presented below.
The epic saga of Meatros
The Story of the Ancient Greek Hero, “Meatros the Valiant”.
Meatros was a courageous and hefty hero from the beginning of his life. When he was in the crib, well actually it was a puddle of mud-his parents were poor, he would take to fighting the roughest, toughest, two year-olds in Greece. Granted, he occasionally had his ass handed to him with fries-he was less than a year old, for the most part he whooped tiny ass like there was no tomorrow.
His parents were poor peasants who couldn’t afford even a modest shelter. His father was an out of work porno theater janitor-after all, movies hadn’t been invented yet, and his mother was a streetwalker. That’s not to say she was a whore, she was just terrible stupid and took to walking the streets in search of food.
In any event, Meatros had a rough childhood; he never learned to read or write and was quite dumb in the ways of learned men. Instead of being “Papyrus smart”, Meatros was Hero smart. This meant that he was great with strategy, tactics, legends and lore, and basically could get chicks to sleep with him.
His family never had enough to eat and consequently Meatros was sent on several errands to get food. One such errand, involved fetching a “magic” cow that could cook hot steaming fresh brownies anytime it wanted to. This cow’s brownies didn’t taste good to Meatros, but hey, he’d never had brownies before (they hadn’t been invented yet). When he brought the “magic” cow back to show his parents the wonderful and nourishing beast, they quietly informed him about the digestive system and “waste”. This sent Meatros into a rage, the type that all heroes have.
Meatros gnashed his teeth and attacked the cow, ripping it to shreds in the process. So destructive was his effort and power, the creature caught fire-cooking the meat on its body instantly. The meat from this cow kept the family alive through the winter…and eventually killed Meatros father from spoiled meat-which incidentally didn’t stop the rest of the family, remember they were dumb…
Thirty years later, and several heroic deeds later, Meatros became a man at 25. Hey, Hero’s age differently then the rest of us! He can be 25 if I want him to be 25!! Fine, he’s 20, say anything again and I’ll take away another year!!!
Okay, so Meatros turned twenty and had made friends with the mighty, but not as mighty as he was, Hercules. The two of them were chatting each other up with noble deeds, when a young child ran up to him. The child was thin, scuffed up, and loosing his eyesight.
“Kind Sirs, will you help a poor orphan out?” exclaimed the little child. Hercules, still engrossed in his own flagrant egomania, simply continued talking about his muscles, and a new powdered form of “strength” juice he named “Creatine”.
The heartstrings of Meatros pulled for the child as he said, “I’ll help you out little one, what is the matter?”
The child gasped, for dramatic effect, and told the story of an evil creature that had beset his village and was slowly starving the villagers to death, not to mention driving them crazy. Its name was the Vegitarianus, befouler of all that is meaty and good.
This creature was an unspeakably evil monster who filled the villagers head’s with crazy ideas, such as “meat is murder”, and it put the entire village on a huge guilt trip. The village had stopped raising cattle and started farming, but this too was distained by the Vegitarianus. It proclaimed, “How would you like to be plucked from the world, put on a plate and served with butter?” So the village people became emaciated, which wasn’t all that bad for some of the people who needed to loose a few…
This was too much for Meatros to bear! How could people not enjoy the fine taste of dead and rotting flesh? He thought to himself. “Lead me to the foul creature!” he bravely said. With that the child began leading Meatros down the path to the village-Hercules, being “Hero smart” didn’t notice they were gone until Meatros was halfway up the path.
As soon as they reached the Vegitarianus, the Hero’s problems began. The creature was a mighty healthy looking female, with eyes that pulled you in. Meatros was stunned-he hadn’t expected such a fierce opponent. Hercules, being totally body-conscious, couldn’t care less, he was absorbed in the creature’s abdominal muscles. How could Vegitarianus’s abs get so defined, so shredded, he thought to himself as he pawed his slightly pudgy stomach.
As if in answer to question the creature proclaimed, “The joy of soy!” and eerily continued, “Tofu will cleanse your mind and ease your spirits”.
Hercules, not giving the slightest shit about either his mind or spirit (what Hero would?) screamed and charged, “I will have take this soy from your dead lifeless hands!”
Hercules rushed toward Vegitarianus, and was ensnarled into her wicked web of deceit. She grabbed him, and unleashed evil magic on him. Thorns grew up from the ground and held Hercules tight. She then turned and reached into the bag beside her and revealed what upon first inspection looked like a hamburger (which hadn’t been invented, but both the Heroes still recognized as such).
”Enjoy your SOY!” Vegitarianus yelled in a nasty-wicked voice as she forcefully crammed the burger into Hercules’s mouth.
”Oh barf, this taste like cow excrement!” Hercules cried after choking the burger down. Meatros took slight offense to the comment.
Vegitarianus wasn’t through with Hercules though; she withdrew another burger and crammed it into his pie-hole. And then another, and another. Hercules’s stomach began to expand and he began to vomit uncontrollably.
”Not so fast, MEAT MURDERER!” the Vegitarianus yelled. She put her hand over his mouth, to prevent any loss of the detestably nutritious soy…
At this point Meatros screamed, in an albeit girly voice, “We’re not going to take this! By Zeus’s diet of freshly slaughtered yummy pig flesh, I will defeat you!”
Meatros opened his jaw and meat, glorious meat, sprang forth. Mountains of tenderloins, pork chops, and a variety of other tasty morsels flowed from his mighty jaw. Vegitarianus was stunned; she had never been presented with such a quantity of quality meats before! Meatros took full advantage of the situation and chained her up, while still spewing the delicious meats everywhere.
Imprisoned with tasty vittles scattered around her Vegitarianus began to salivate and holler, “Oh great Hero, please spare me some prime rib!” Meatros wasn’t hearing it though, instead he grabbed Hercules and the two of them sat down to greedily eat all of the food that had poured out of Meatros’ mouth (which had stopped producing food).
This drove the beast crazy, its mouth’s salvia producing glands began pumping fluid out into overdrive-covering both of the Heroes. The fluid kept coming out and began to fill the cavern, which I hadn’t mentioned until now, that the struggle began in. This cavern eventually became known as the Mediterranean Sea.
Hercules and Meatros were disgusted by the gross fluid that covered their bodies, yet they didn’t know what to do about it. No one showered back in those days, as it was seen to be unhygienic. This all changed because of Meatros, who suggested that they rid their bodies of the disgusting fluid by running warm water over themselves. Henceforth everyone bathed, to be like their idols-Meatros and Hercules.